Stunning in a way,
that doesn't quite work.
I love her,
like I love to die.
Her deathly hands are round my throat,
her warm, soft lips against my ear.
She whispers everything,
that no-one wants to hear.
Every night she cools my bed,
every day she rules my head.
She drives me to the bottle,
she drives me up the wall.
A little girl,
in big girl's clothes,
she knows just how,
it doesn't work.
Author notes
I don't care if you are an aracnobat, I still like you.
Option 1.
Option 5
A contest entry
- Unleash Your Inner Psycho by infernalxfidelity.
380 points, ended March 5, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ~Dead is the New Alive~ OPTIONS CONTEST by Figg.
450 points, ended March 19, 2008, 30 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites. those not on my favourites list please. by Ryno.
300 points, ended March 9, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Who are you? The real you... by Lucky-Charm.
475 points, ended April 5, 2008, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - shape your reality by Mr Majenta.
450 points, ended May 5, 2008, 5 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Who Are You? by AngelOfDarkness88.
350 points, ended September 5, 2008, 59 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critiques?
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Dark...but very powerful and well written...thank you for entering and best of luck...
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It is a shame that there are people like that in this world...but they do exist unfortunately.....and we sometimes fall for them regardless of what we know...powerful piece...thank you..
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love is a drug, and a cold hearted witch
i liked the broken cliches : she knows just how it doesn't work
the day and night bit was interesting she's got you all around, and now that i think of it the title could be a double entant
so many little devices in this one, i enjoyed it -
I love how you expressed yourself in this way! A way in which I see myself sometimes.I really like this!! Thank you and goodluck.
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good sad....kinda
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Interesting write for sure. The first stanza confused me, but was powerful at the same time.
"I love her,
like I love to die."
It seems almost like you hate her... yet the rest of the poem is about loving her.
"Every night she cools my bed,
every day she rules my head"
...Didn't really like the rhyme there, seemed to random and threw off the flow a little.
Other then this, this is an interesting and heartfilled right. I really enjoyed
Thanks for the entry.
Ryan -
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I was trying to romanticise my insanity, so you're right. I do hate her.
As to the rhyme, I don't know poetic structure. I barely know what a haiku is.
-
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"I love her,
like I love to die."
That line drew me right in, and snagged me. Seriously awe-inspiring, man. Good job! -
hmmmm...i quite liked this. very nice. good job.
good luck!
~S-H-O -
Interesting
this is very...interesting! I like it! this is a very unique write...and a very diff point of veiw of looking at things. I love these kinds of poems...nice work, I enjoyed it!
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