and now unfathomable lows,
in the depths 'neath bridge and home,
which once withstood the waves,
that indefatigable enclave,
now weeps for solid boughs,
i glean a glance and glare:
as crushing waters come to bear,
i rouse my legs to kick,
but manage mediocre flicks,
all tendons worse for wear,
'quickly! flail your arms!', i thought,
as panic raced to hold the fort,
'it's no use treading water here,
these depths incline to sink you, dear,
the sea aspires to thwart,'
breath burns deep until the last,
poor lungs, engulfed, collapsing fast,
find little to lament,
in lurid dreams of seasons spent,
exposed: the die are cast.
Author notes
"Alea iacta est (The die are cast)" - Iulius Caesar.
Option V) Trapped; or alternately option VIII) Sea change.
A contest entry
- Write free verse fromsubjects given Winklings & friends # 84 by Ronald Wiseman.
3500 points, ended May 27, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
-
Hmmm. NO matter how I try, I still get only 108 words and it needs to be 120 to meet the contest specs. You may wish to update.
OH I do hope you can tweak this. It is truly incredible. Trapped beyond trapped, truly no escape. Excellent. - The die has been cast, the outcome quite clear.
Very nicely done. I will be back on this one. ~Pamela -
It would be helpful if you would
maybe footnote the translation of your title. You choose your words so carefully that I know I'm missing something important, as titles should be. Your poem format is interesting,but its rhyme scheme seems a bit contrived especially in the first stanza. I think it would work better if you dropped the ending s'es and let it be " wave - enclave, low - bough". My favorite part was your last three lines, esp." the die are cast" because of the pun referring to being cast into the water and about to die. As I reread this work I admired the way you intermingled action and imagery to convey the panic the resignation one feels while drowning. Fascinating write. Now on to other matters. I am happy to notice you looked up J.V. Cunningham. As for superb language users, you might want to check out the great SF writer Thomas Pynchon, esp. "Gravitey's Rainbow". And W.H. Auden poem Flight into Egypt". Here is an excerpt:
Voices of the desert
Come to our bracing desert
Where eternity is eventual,
For the weather-glass
Is set at Alas,
the thermometer at Resentful.
Come to our well-run desert
Where anguish arrives by cable,
And the deadly sins
May be bought in tins
With instructions on the label.
and my favorite:
Come to our jolly desert
Where even the dolls go whoring;
Where cigarette-ends
Become intimate friends,
And it's always three in the morning.
Enjoy and turn me on to some of your favorites if you've a mind to.Return the favor?
-
-
Hi,
The title's translation is "the die are cast" - it's a Iulius Caesar quote. I thought it was pretty well known, but I'll note it.
I won't be editing this - not because your advice isn't sound, simply because I have nothing left for this piece.
I'm not such a big fan of Auden, but I will check out Pynchon. Have you read Stephen R. Lawhead?
"I will weep no more for the lost, asleep in their water graves. I have no more tears for my youth in the temple of the brindled ox. Life is strong in me and I will not grieve for what was or might have been. Mine is a different path and I must follow where it leads.
I look out from my window onto fields of corn ripening to the scythe. I see them rippling like a golden sea, and in the rustling of the leaves I hear again the voices of my people calling to me across the years..."
Cheers.
-
-
Thank you for entering my humble little contest
-
-
Thanks for reading
-
-
This is my new favorite. I think it's the best yet.
I have two suggestions. The first is fix the grammar. I know you're partial to not using capitolization, but it would benefit the piece. The end of each stanza should be a period, not a comma. (I will forever harp about it, be warned... even if you ignore it).
The second suggestion is to read Anne Sexton's "Unknown Girl in a Maternity Ward". The reason is the tone of this reminds me of that. The end line rhyme also reminds me of it. While you read (after the second read through) pay attention to the grammar and how the use of it forces the reader to pause during lines, so much so that the end rhyme almost goes unnoticed.
I'm not a fan of rhyming poems in general, but your writing voice is strong and the tones you create are good enough that I don't feel like I'm reading Dr. Suess. I don't know if you'll see the connection between your tone and Sexton's- but if you find it- you may feel inspired to play around with the lines a little on this.
Thanks for the read.
-
-
CapitAliSation
I'll consider the periods, reading it that way in my head does flow better, but I'm not budging on the capitalisation. I've always considered it arbitrary and truly only use it in a utilitarian (formal) sense. Punctuation is essential for coherency, spelling is, the right arrangement of words is, but the capitalised version of the alphabet is, put simply, a collection of 26 self-important characters that don't do anything. If it's good enough for Nick Cave, it's good enough for me
I read that poem by Sexton and a few others, she's quite gifted. I don't quite know what you mean by a similar 'tone', except that we are both confessional poets.
But Dr. Seuss was an alliterative genius?
Thanks for the review
-
-
I always spell that word wrong. And refrigerator- even though I know how it's spelled- I always spell it refridgerator.
I like self important characters that don't do anything. (ahem- self- ahem).
Did you know Henry Rollins publishes Nick Cave books? Or at least... 21361 Publications does. (Nice random reference).
Suess was indeed an alliterative genius and a wonderful social commentator. He, unfortunately and unwittingly I'm sure, spawned an entire generation of shitty "writers" who think that "love, above, dove" on the end of each line makes a poem.
There is a collection of political essays and random cartoons by Suess called "The Tough Coughs as he Ploughs the Dough". You should find it. It's really intersting. -
-
I did not, but I did recently order 'King Ink' by Nick Cave. A collection of old poetry, Birthday Party and old Bad Seeds lyrics, a short play and some artwork. I can't wait to sink my muse into this man's influence properly.
-
-
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 9 of 9
