You couldn't have kept your promise,
The only one I wanted you to keep.
You promised and thats forever,Yes it means something to me.
My tears stain the note,
You so carefully wrote.
The words are blurred I can not see.
Nothing around seems real to me.
Why did you do it?
Was it me?
You never meant to keep it.
When you told me you'd be there.
I still remember you casually playing with my hair.
You told me that you loved me,
and togther we'd be in each other's arms.
But that was a lie,
Where are you now?
Your lying in front of me, deep in the ground.
Was it something I said?
Something I did?
That caused you to end it like this?
I'll never feel your warmth again.
Just a distant memory brought by the chill of the wind.
Author notes
esimbf
A contest entry
- Let's Get the Ink Flowing!!! by Auburn Sunrise.
1800 points, ended March 16, 2008, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Round #1 (enter away) by takemypainaway.
390 points, ended March 22, 2008, 52 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make Me Feel Again by californiagirl.
800 points, ended March 13, 2008, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Enchanted Misery Contest by Ms Raneika.
1200 points, ended March 20, 2008, 75 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Tryyy and fit a square into a circle :] *OPTIONS* by innocence jaded.xx.
525 points, ended May 2, 2008, 43 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - just want sad poems(read description) by SaviDropKick.Oi..
300 points, ended May 7, 2008, 34 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - /B/r/e\a\k\ me into p.i.e.c.e.s, Im such a h-o-p-e-l-e-s-s case. by Silent Emotions.
900 points, ended February 25, 56 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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i really liiked this entry
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Sad piece that shows the heart of losing someone ...thanks for entering my contest!
much love, Raneika
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wow... so real
my grandpa did this when i was 7
i thought it was my fault
i hope that this is not true but i feel the emotion
so i amalmost sure that it is
either way made for a great write
thank you for entering!!
**kat -
This is a sad poem. I liked the end of it the best, the part about the chill of the wind. Unfortunately, this didn't wow me in any way, but rather fit the stereotype of cliche lost love poems. Thanks so much for your entry and good luck!
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It's soooo sad, but it's really good. I dont' know what to say...
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It's really good. Why did you have to write about him. It made me so sad.
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Chilling and haunting.
So this is what it's like to be on the other side of suicide... this really got to me. Sobered me up a bit and made me realize what I put those that love me through when I become suicidal.
A few constructive criticisms:
Line 6: I'd remove the "out" at the end, to help keep your rhyme scheme consistent. The "note" in the line before would be great with "wrote" in that line.
Line 7: "Blured" should be "blurred"
Towards the middle (line 10 and on) you lose your rhyme scheme - this unexpected shift is a bit distracting. You may want to consider using all free verse.
Line 14: "Casualy" should be "casually".
Line 19: "Your lieing in front of me deep in the ground" - should be "You're lying in front of me, deep in the ground".
Otherwise... this was an excellent, thought-provoking, heart-wrenching poem!
Please don't think I'm being down on you - I just want to help you improve this wonderful piece.
Thank you for entering and good luck!
I hope this didn't really happen to you.
If so, I'm sorry for your loss.
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