Walking alone one night in the wood.
My mind is wandering to and from to things I couldn't , but should.
Walking on the deserted path.
A bit afraid but to this I laugh.
I cannot see ,but I know it's there.
People would scream when I tell them about this hidden world I had heard but not seen.
A little black cat, A cawing crow, A rustling breeze, The mournful call of a doe.
The Fey dance around me, calling my name. Saying their queen has finally came.
I as a queen.
That is truely absurd for I cannot see there beautiful world.
Though I know it's there. I can hear it from the music and feel it in the air.
The griffins come to greet me. I can feel the heat rising in my cheeks. I'm a beautiful girl with a heart of gold. I cannot see me so I will believe what I'm told.
The breeze picks up making me shiver.
Wondering why the village didn't want me to live there.
If what the fey and griffins have said was true. Why did I have to leave mother father and you?
I cannot see my lover, I never had a chance, love to discover.
They made him leave as I did. Left him outside in the cold. A outsider hunched over, what they said a broken mold?
We could not see each other, nor our father ,sister or mother.
We thought they loved us but alas they didnt know best. They exciled us just as the rest
If we cannot see for we were blind. Has are integrity declined?
I can hear him now calling my name. He hasn't changed he is the same,
the king of this world, the outsider in the next. I am so tired all I need is rest.
This doesn't matter though because we knew we knew it in our mind. This world purest of all, purest blue.
Feel the smoothness of words. We knew what we were
We knew we belonged somewhere and that. we knew it in our hearts though our spirit.
There are more of them beyond. If people could just listen you could break the bond.
That will never happen for people are to ignorant to listen. Take a second, close your eyes. You will see what goes on outside a new world to christen.
Author notes
This is just a story. Not based on anythign but the ignorance of this crazy world called earth. What lies beyond our world. Maybe if we took a second we would know.notsotorturedartist
A contest entry
- PRE-WRITES! ROUNDS CONTEST!!! by Luminescence.
525 points, ended March 23, 2008, 176 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything you want by fairytalelovestory.
625 points, ended April 11, 2008, 72 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
constructive critizism welcome
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
-
great flow,
great poem.
i love this.
(: -
Over all nice story/muse/poem
couple things that I wish to point out. ( i know you didn't say yes but I wrote this before i asked...)
Lets start with all the periods: You don't need all of them. Most of them could be commas. Trust me. Sometimes less is more.
next off a couple things don't make total sense...
Walking on the deserted path.
A bit afraid but to this I laugh. <- an awkward way of putting it.
I cannot see ,but I know it's there. <- see what?
People would scream when I tell them about this hidden world I had heard but not seen. <- maybe put this line first.
A little black cat, A cawing crow, A rustling breeze, <- easy on the capitals.you have commas here.
has finally came. <- has finally come or finally came - pick one.
I as a queen. <- make it a question. it'll sound better.
Though I know it's there. <- you said that already
Wondering why the village didn't want me to live there.-> ???? This is a little random no?
If what the fey and griffins have said was true. Why did I have to leave mother father and you?-> what did they say? and since when is it addressed to someone?
last thing
If we cannot see for we were blind. Has are integrity declined? <- no period just a comma and no capital. and its our integrity.
Try consrtucting your lines differently and perhaps consider rewriting this poem in a different format. I like rewriting things. It helps me see it a different way. Just try it . Since it has faeires in it I like it no matter what.
I know I critiqued a lot... but thats me.. sorry for such length . It was good. It just needs some clarification.
Kat
-
This is gonna get picky...
if you'll allow... I'll critique it... just reply if you wish me to go through it .
-
not feeling it
~prewrites, come and get them -
I did like this but this does not match the contest description. I do feel that its beautiful but it wouldve been even better with a little more form. This contest is for poetry that describes the horribleness of society.
-
Good write! I believe I already commented on this before...it doesn't QUITE fit my contest though...so until further notice...well, actually I don't know...good luck in the contest!
-
I do wish that the poem had a little more form to it... even though you do say that it is a story. It had form in the beginning and then lost it...
Besides that, I enjoyed this tremendously... I do like your title... I found to meanings to it. The characters are blind physically and then everyone else are blind to the world that the characters share... great job.
Title: 7
Diction: 8
Syntax: 5
Wowness factor: 9
Total- 29
~Lumin -
Just spell check the whole thing, and then proofread it yourself, cuz there are a few errors. Otherwise, it's quite good. Although I got lost a few times where it didn't enter after every line, and everything just kind of turned into a random story. But, I will say that the picture that your words paint is very interesting.
-
where it says the queen has finally came, take out the has and it will make more sense and do spell check
good story
Adding your comment:
1 - 9 of 9
