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Carousel of Youth

i'm riding on what feels like immortality.
i know this isn't the real world
and i know that it's making me dizzy,
but the lights
and colors
and constant motion
seem to pull the quarters right out of my pocket.

though i've been growing up
and learning how to flourish in reality,
i still often get tangled up,
floating on some joy train that doesn't exist.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments


  • righteousme
    March 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i still occasionally find myself on that same joy ride... and it does not exist... only in our hearts... great write...


  • grassisgreener
    March 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this reminds me of a person who is standing up after drinking a lot of wine in the city. trying to catch your bearings, telling yourself where you are and who you're with. right? i think it would benefit a lot by taking out the "feel" 's in the last verse and stating facts. like,

    though i've been growing up
    and learning how to flourish in reality,
    i still get tangled up
    floating on some joy train that doesn't exist.

    don't be afraid to step out of the metaphoric norm! you present a lot of explanation, whereas sometimes simply showing can be more effective.

    i love the metaphor "pull the quarters right out of my pocket."
    buying gas does that to me every week....

    this poem shows a lot of potential! thanks for your comment and for entering, and i'll be checking out some more of your stuff!


    • The Slant
      March 2, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      i took your advice. i agree, it makes it sound more intentional.