My Home

I stood at the top of the hill.
I breathed in the air only here.
This was my spot the spot of freedom.
My home in the wild,
the trees my brothers
the river my sister.
I closed my eyes to hear my sister whisper.
My brothers danced with my cousins, the wind.
They always coming and going, never staying to long.
I walk further down the hill and into the great valley.
The forest a deep green.
It was the perfect tempurture

nice and cool, not too hot

colorful birds flew overhead

this as my home now.

among my brothers and sister

here i will stay.

A contest entry

Let's Get the Ink Flowing!!! by Auburn Sunrise. 1800 points, ended March 16, 2008, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest

what do you think? anything not make sense.. use lines

Comments

By me, right now

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allfayth
March 7, 2008

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This is an excellent write. I especially love how you make nature your family. most impressive fer a young write. You will go far here and i hope to read more as you progress in life
Auburn Sunrise
March 2, 2008
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I enjoyed this...
it reminded me of native american poetry and artwork for some reason. It felt very connected to nature and natural ways of living.
"They always coming and going, never staying to long"... that line doesn't work for me - maybe if you wrote: "they're alwasy coming and going, never staying too long".
"This as my home now./among my brothers and sister" - I'd try that "This is my home now,/among my brothers and sister" (take out the period and add a comma).
Overall a very nice write, but it could use some polishing. Beware of using too much repetition in the same lines as in the first and second lines: "this is my spot the spot of freedom" - can you lose one of the "spot"s?
I love how you personified natural wonders and made them your family! Very original and inspiring.
Thank you for the entry and good luck!