Echo barely exists between simple words.
Her voice hardly makes pages
flutter; stiff and awkward
like the dead air
under an August sun.
Like a reflection in a pond, she
disappears
as falling Narcissus petals take
her breath away.
Author notes
as you can tell by my user name, i can really identify with the nymph echo. most of the time i am not sure how i feel, and i am always at a constant loss for words. the narcissus petals represent just about everything in my life right now. everything just adds more stress and i feel as if i am going to break from it all.
wow, i sound really emo, haha
it seems choppy, so this is my first draft for the poem (as of now...) please tell me how i can fix this!
march 1, 2008
In a list
A contest entry
- Mythology, (With a Twist!) Contest and Creative Writing Workshop by kareneisenlord.
900 points, ended March 16, 2008, 39 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
what do you think?
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Loved it.
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I asked all of you for mythology with a twist, and you really socked it to me! I was very impressed by all of your entries, and many of you came up with some really unique and creative material with a different way of applying and perceiving mythology. It was enjoyable reading and I learned a lot from reading all of your fabulous writes. Because there was such an abundance of excellent entries in this contest, it was difficult to decide which ones would be the final winners. I apologize for taking so long to judge. Ultimately, I went with the material that impressed me and stuck with me the most. What had the greatest influence, insight, oversight, ambience and applied the myth/story in a thought-provoking and interesting way. The entries that were still playing through my mind and echoing with fond recollection, long after first reading them, are the ones that I finally decided upon as the winners. Objectivity in judging this contest was not my goal, but how each one of you subjectively influenced and moved me through your write. I re-read all of your writes again before my final judgment and relished it thoroughly. You are all gifted with incredible minds and talent. I wished that I could give more than one trophy in each category because certainly there was more than one that deserved it. All of you deserved an honorable mention, at the very least, and I wished I could do this and more. After the winners, the list is not in order of my favorites but most are in the chronological order as they were entered into the contest. I was glad to comment personally on each one of you. “Heading Towards Hope” - won the gold for me, because it took an uncommon theme in western mythology, deriving the story from eastern mythology, namely Hinduism. The interpretation of this, my favorite Hindu Deity, Ganesh, blew me away, and provided a step forward in my consciousness. I was awed by the profoundness, beauty and humility of this write. While many of your stories moved me deeply, this one actually shifted my consciousness. It contained both meaningful, inspirational and unique applications, written in a purity and sweetness of the heart and soul that is reflected in the words of the poet who wrote it. Gifts of the Faery, Part II I awarded Gifts of the Faery, Part II because it reached deep into my sense of profound honor and respect for Nature and all of Creation. Not only did it express stunning wisdom, but it also reflected an eloquent poetic style of it’s own. It is filled with ancient knowledge and powers that are for the Light and bringing humanity to a higher level of hope for the ultimate transformation of humankind and our Earth Mother! Lemuria's Sacred Contract - Video Slam Not only is this a beautifully written poem but it struck a chord that resonates far within the innermost essence of my being for I have always felt a special connection to Lemuria and long to be reunited with her. This is my hope for all of humanity, for “Lemuria” or the lost continent of Mu, (the motherland), is analogous with Paradise of earth. She was the original motherland of Atlantis and Egypt. They were her colonies. Lemuria sank beneath the ocean in the world‘s last great worldwide cataclysm. Mu existed in the Pacific ocean, and the Pacific islands, Easter Island and the Hawaiian Islands, are all remnants of her. This was over 20,000 years ago. Many believe that she will rise again, at least in the collective heart and soul of all humanity. This poem described my feelings in a way that I could not do much better myself - a twin reflection of my sentiments and my hope for us all of us! The Honorable mentions - I will talk about a few of them. Since I commented on all of your entries, you already know how I reacted to your work, but here are a few of the HM’s that I want to give further “honorable mention to“. I wish that I could do so for all of them, but these stood out the most in my mind. “Kalpa ” won an honorable mention because it reflected an overview of the Cosmos on a grand and astronomical scale. Not only was it eloquently written, but it impressed me with the deeper wisdom and perspective that was reflected therein, by giving one of the most developed and accurate views of the creation of the universe(s) and the dissolution that occurs over and over. It is the Hindu creation myth, that more and more, fits into the most advanced theories of physics and astronomy, (and the Vedic people came to this conclusion thousands of years ago, through spiritual practices!) Orphee's Heartstrings - expressed the pain and suffering of Orpheus so well. wow how in the world did i come up with this??? Very clever imagery and it was refreshingly spontaneous. Sacrifice with Creation - The ancient myth of a god sacrificing himself for the benefit of humanity carried forward to humanity helping humanity! Gasping - Had beautiful imagery and it reflected the tragic fate of both Narcissus and Echo in such a haunting way Lost Messiah - struck a chord with me, because it bravely stated how the most important messages of Jesus have been lost, to love ourselves and one another. I think Jesus is quoted to have said, “…love your neighbor as yourself,” among many other references to love. Another one is, “…love the Lord your God with all your heart…” Lucifer’s Sword - was another really courageous write in that it gave the perspective of the necessity of evil and the role of opposites. Untitled - was fresh and different. I was hoping that someone would write something based on Chinese legend and mythology. It is beautiful, rich, varied and ancient. This was a good job at tackling this creation myth. Poisoned Prophesies - impressed me because it expressed the dilemma of a seer. ..With a flying centaur... An exciting and enchanting poem about a mythological creature with wings taking one everywhere and anywhere in the Universe. The Reflection Looks Back - Was a wonderful interpretation of the Narcissus Myth. Star Garden - Thought-provoking with a lovely play on words. Nyquil Dreams - Because who is to say what is the true reality? "Plus DOCS changent..." - Another great play and twist on the age-old Cinderella story, told from the view point of the Fairy God Mother. Very clever and fun! Rick Rubens, Prometheus - I liked this one because it was clever and portrays modern day fire-givers. I could go on and on - and I wish that I could recap all of the entries which I have read over and relished. You were all great and like I said, you all deserved a trophy; every one of you! Thank you for putting all of your creative minds here in the contest for me to savor. All of you is exquisitely and uniquely talented. Keep writing and thinking because not only are you people good poets, many of you are amazing philosophers as well. That means, that you are seekers of the truth. That is what a philosopher does. Blessings!
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Very nice - and captures the tragedy and essence of this sad story of ill-fated love. I like how you parallel it to your own life in your author's notes.
Here's the story, for anyone reading this who is not familiar;
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Echo_and_Narcissus
The imagery that you create in your poem is really beautiful, and reflects the hapless fate of the wood nymph Echo and Narcissus very well. That you relate to Echo is fascinating to me. I never realized this - how many people can relate to her, feeling almost invisible and unable to formulate their feelings and thoughts into words. Very nice! So much emphasis has been placed on Narcissus, that Echo was almost forgotten. I think that the connection you have made here is amazing.
The ending of your poem is very heart-breaking and definitely portrays the futility of Echo's love for Narcissus;
"Like a reflection in a pond, she
disappears
as falling Narcissus petals take
her breath away."
They both had a very unhappy ending, and all they had to do was recognize the love in each other - and it would have been a different ending. I think it is beautiful the way it is, (your poem). It's not choppy. I would just remove the "it is" in the first stanza and "Like" in the second stanza, to make it flow a little more.
Echo barely exists
between simple words.
Her voice hardly
makes pages flutter,
stiff and awkward
like the dead air
under an August sun.
A reflection in a pond,
she disappears
as falling Narcissus petals
takes her breath away.
IDK. Maybe play with it a little - how it looks on the page too. The title is perfect. Thank you for this entry and good luck! I hope that you didn't mind me moving it around a little in my suggestion. It's up to you.
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thanks so much for the comment! when i have more time to be online i will play around with the form and words and all. thanks so much!!
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Your imagery takes my breath away. And i love your emo-ness, because it causes you to create some damn fine poetry =) <3
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agh, i hope that i am not too emo, because they are so funny!!! haha, thanks for the comment!
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Ooh... I really like this piece
not that you are feeling this way though I like the reference to the Narcissus flowers - especially because it adds an element of lost love - or maybe the idea that she loved the man and then transfered that love to the flower that shared his name... I was just wondering is your August in summer or winter? It is winter here in August ... the only suggestion that I would make, is placing the word 'under' on the last line of the first stanza instead of the line above it... but that could just be my preference wonderful poetry! Good luck in the contest
Keep writing
Polly
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thanks for the comment. i changed what you suggested
right now it is march and it is so cold!!! agh i hate it! haha
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