inside this room my pulse exists
and does little more than that:
the dull, sluggish dragging
of obligation. i imagine my
grey blood slowly pulling through
wrists and neck- like paste, it
sticks to the walls of my veins.
so i run. escape. to jungle rainfall and sunlight.
i breathe in the air of my soul's home and
stretch my body to its tips.
red blood rushes forth in brilliant color,
desperate to provide for this extension of my heart.
it flows, pumping now- exhilarated.
i run on dirt-roads. the down-beats of my steps
like the rhythm of my pulse:
accelerated and bright. the rushing and rapid
heartbeat in waves through my entire body.
it sits beneath my skin, rises now to dance,
to move and climb and swim and sing
to gather reeds and sculpt and praise.
i cl-cl-cl clap and collapse in a fit
of new blood and breath and heart.
Author notes
porque yo nunca sentía más vivo que cuando estuve en perú
A contest entry
- the suggestion box by grassisgreener.
600 points, ended March 10, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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the intro is very strong--the meter and imagery are well-planned.
i think this line is redundant -->
red blood rushes forth in brilliant color
in that red already denotes brightness
i love these lines:
it sits beneath my skin, rises now to dance,
to move and climb and swim and sing
to gather reeds and sculpt and praise.
there are a lot of really unique phrases in this poem, but also some not so unique parts. i think that if you go through and tighten it up a bit, this could be a really fantastic poem worthy of winning. i'd be glad to come back to reread if you want to take that option!
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