With condescending eyes, you told me
my multipurpose hands weren't worth
the grating of my voice
or my tired imagery.
It seems my lies
weren't so beautifully foolproof;
not enough paint,
too many flaws,
and certainly too little submission.
And with my lack of graceful acceptance,
in your mind, I will darken
and fade,
a muted memory, obscured
by passing days and
a constant stream of lovers
who will never value you as I did,
never hold or kiss or soothe you, free of charge.
Regretfully belated--
but better late than never--
an epiphany on my part:
you were never so perfect
after all,
just human underneath,
and undeserving of worship.
So I toppled your pedestal
and burned your temple,
and replaced you
with myself.
Author notes
Option 2: Word Bank
belated
imagery
epiphany
condescending
darkened (darken)
obscurity (obscured)
color
multipurpose
mute (muted)
memory
free
A contest entry
- Finding Inspiration by animated lies.
1000 points, ended March 1, 2008, 9 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Wise
Really good words. You certainly can turn a phrase. Thanks for the thoughts and words.
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So since i read a poem of yours prior to this i thought i'd give another one a browsing...and like wow.
You have truly stunned me with your words. You're fantastic! This was, well it was just so well done. You are truly what all poets should strive to be.
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Well, well, well!I think that trophy was well deserved. Very well written. I liked it. The last verse was the best, how in each line it decreased in length. Great job and congrats on the trophy.
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Actually this is good. A journey to self and what preceded that journey. Very well done. Nice use of bank words.
So I toppled your pedestal
and burned your temple,
and replaced you
with myself.
Becky
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NICE. A wonderful epitome to self worth. You took those words and made them your own. It is obvious that you deserved that silver. Remarkably well done.
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Well worth the Silver, if not more,
but I didn’t read the other entries. I rather enjoyed your poem. The usage of the given words but more importantly the tone and the theme. You accomplished the transition from worshiper/student/disciple/etc/etc to one that recognizes self-worth without the usual crying/bellyaching/whining/etc/etc. You captured the mood with minimal verbiage yet enough to make your point with strength. I have a couple thoughts, very minor, if not obscure.
I don’t like the use of multipurpose hands but understand why it is used and agree it is actually the only place in the poem it could be used.
The second stanza is very good.
I believe the “And” beginning the third stanza is unnecessary and it reads (orally, not just by written word) better without it. The last line is also very good but (I hate buts’, but . . .). “Free of charge” is a bit cliched/common. I know you need to use “free” but perhaps “of expectation” “of remuneration” “of . . .” I’ll have to think of a few more but I think my thought is explained. I liked this stanza a lot and perhaps is why I wanted more from it.
Fourth stanza. Simple and straightforward. The moment of transition. Doesn’t need any more nor any less words. Very good beginning of the end.
Excellent ending. I read it a number of ways. And, I like that in poems. Did you place yourself as the person you held and kissed and soothed for the betterment of yourself, or, did you replace the person that ultimately misses out on your devotion?
I truly liked the write and have read it several times. Good job!
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Thank you! I love when you read what I write--you put some thought into your comments, and I truly appreciate that.
All of the things you brought up were points that have more of a personal meaning--when writing poetry, some of it is for the reader, and some of it is for the self...
"Multipurpose hands" has personal meaning for me, because I give back massages (damn good ones), as well as referring to how much I use my hands to soothe, to comfort, etc. Hands are a big deal for me, and this was one of my favorite descriptions in the whole piece, lol...
I like "and" where it is, because I like to write the way I talk...and I would certainly put an and there.
"Free of charge," also, I'm afraid, necessary, as cliche as it may sound...because it is true, that most people will not give you anything without expecting something in return. And, spiteful as it may be, I liked the image of this possibly fictitious person who has spurned me always having to pay for any comfort they receive...I have to get my jibes in there somewhere...lol...
Once again, thank you.
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This is an amazing poem... It was certainly very deserving of the silver trophy! It left me breathless... you used the words in the wordbank masterfully, this is not awkward at all... wonderful poem and powerful imagery
Keep writing
Polly
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"It seems my lies
weren't so beautifully foolproof;
not enough paint,
too many flaws,"
Beautiful, simply beautiful. I loved it, the imagery and the form are simple and powerful. Great job, I've tried word banks before and thery are hard to write. This is just... a work of art. Good luck in the contest.
jan
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Hmm, I really liked this. I love all of my word bank entries because they're always so creative and different. I love the tone of voice used to portray your emotions. Nicely done. Thank you for entering my contest.
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