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Purgatory

Something broke the trophosphere.

Quietus settled over the soil,

a cenotaph marking what should be there:

breath with the color of a soul,

now traipsed to empyrean.

                      Now the divinity knows its waywardness.

The mistral has a bite,

              terra firma stirs with carrion,

and palpitation underfoot.

The coterie of the perished,

acknowledging another spirit

of a personage succombing to the higher power

                                                        while still alive.

A bouquet of lilies

       placed in front of the monolith,

still facing the sun never regarded.





~~~

Author notes

Prompt: no adjectives!

I hope you get the metaphor, please ask me if you don't.

What do you think about the title?

A contest entry

...

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 38 of 38

  • animated lies
    March 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is cool. O.o I don't understand it, though. Maybe I'm just too tired. Thank you for sharing this with the group.

    animated


  • grannyeri gold member
    March 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    What verbiage you use in these lines - liked the alliteration as well. Found the comments interesting to read. HM for this write is good too.


  • maralisa silver member
    March 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this is another beautiful poem well done on your honor and thankyou for sharing this poem with the group


  • Hetha gold member
    March 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Such metaphor and imagery, can only come from very serious talent. I love what you paint here without adjectives. Congrats on your HM. Keep it up!


  • Ryno
    March 4, 2008
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    ZOMG
    Descriptions and abstraction without adjectives!
    YOU SURELY MUST BE GOD!


    • And Hyetal
      March 4, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      Not God, just a wannabe.

      And what's the z in OMG?


      • Ryno
        March 4, 2008

        Edit | Reply
        Zomg actually sounds like a word.

        What do you think you sounds cooler running around saying

        "Zomg!" or "Omg!"


        ??? HUH TAKE THAT


  • February Moon gold member
    March 1, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This poem is my new lover.


  • olly olly oxen free
    March 1, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    i like really like this. the only comment i would make is that your vocab feels a little forced and awkward. even if you really think "terra firma" before ground and "carrion" before corpse, toning it down would make your poems more readable.

    ps. higher and alive are adjectives. but whatever.


    • And Hyetal
      March 1, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for your comment and suggestion. Are you sure alive is an ajective the way it is used here?


      • olly olly oxen free
        March 1, 2008

        Edit | Reply
        um...yep. i'm trying to remember grade school grammar, but yeah, i think so.

        it doesn't really matter though, the no adjectives thing was pretty lax, more of like a in-trying-to-use-no-adjectves-you-will-use-less than a never-none-never-nope-uhuh type deal.


        • And Hyetal
          March 1, 2008
          Edit | Reply
          Yeah. I went through a couple of other entries and it seems like everyone else was having the same problem.


  • Death of the Author
    March 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Isn't alive an adjective? And higher? Maybe I shouldn't be saying this, as he has already judged...I'm probably wrong anyway!

    Apart from that this was very impressive, your vocabulary was AWESOME (I really mean that, hence the capitalisation )

    Good luck! x


    • And Hyetal
      March 1, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      You're right about higher, but I'm not sure about alive.

      But thank you for your comment!


  • Tangled Angle
    March 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    81.4

    You could have definitely come up with a better title. -sigh- Nothing I can really do about it. That's going to really hurt you. You have to get better with titles if you want to do good in these competitions.
    On the positive side, I really liked your poem. Your title did not do the poem justice...your poem did make up for the title though.
    I am not disappointed in the poem, I am still impressed. It is one of your better ones, but I have to say, you might want to change the title as soon as possible before Heather and Helen get here. Good luck.


  • Namita
    February 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I do not like this. Yep, I don't I'm being honest here. Maybe its because you had to do it with no adjectives or adverbs at all. I just abhor excessive vocabulary in poems. That's one reason I don't like this.

    But for doing it without adjectives, BRAVO. Appreciate your effort much!

    - namita


  • morgana raven Greeters member
    February 29, 2008

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    havent been on for a while. thought id read this. and it really is .. wow. your work has progressed so much since i last read any
    great stuff
    laura


  • Valley Girl silver member
    February 29, 2008

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    Great write hun! You did it no adjectives! I told ya you could! Good luck in the contest!


  • x-Black-Butterfly-x gold member
    February 29, 2008

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    wow this is wow sis each new write you present amazes me.the power in your words just wow.well done and best of luck


  • BeautifullyBroken42
    February 29, 2008

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    Wow this is an awesome poem!!! Much shorter that the last one! And it used a lot of big words. Sorry i am bad with big words!! yay! Great job!


  • Lady Australis silver member
    February 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    you will b wonderful

1 - 38 of 38