I lie by myself,
drenched in the smell of spring,
grass and daisies,
with the hint of lemon,
pondering life while watching,
the clouds look like cotton candy,
floating past, your face
etched among them,
sailing in the sky.
She’s longing for a raindrop while you just
promised me an ocean without giving it
a second thought,
you belong to her in every way,
except the one that counts.
She's playing you like a puppet,
forcing you to dance for her
and just for her....
Fly like a baby bird,
leave her, leave the nest,
forget the life you used to know....
forget the past, let's create a future
Author notes
Bleeeeeeh this was hard and I am not confident in this at ALL.
3/1: Some edits made this better I hope.
And btw this is lostintheshadows33
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round 6 [Top 9] by Tangled Angle.
450 points, ended March 3, 2008, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
let me know how you like it =]
Comments
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87.5
"cotton" "baby" are adjectives.
Work on sentence structure. There were so many commas that it was difficult to develop your message in my mind without the flow of thought being messed up. In particular: stanza one, lines 5 to 6.
I think the ocean metaphor was cliche, and you could have done better. I liked the concept of "let's forget the past, and make a future" -but I think you told the message to directly.
This is the toughest challenge out of any challenge I have ever had in any of my contests, so I thought you did a pretty good job. Overall, not bad- you have had better- but this isn't your worst one either.
Even though the flow of ideas was rather bumpy during the first stanza, I thought the ideas were probably one of the most profound I've seen so far this round. I really liked the concept. I mean, really...that was clever. Strong imagery. I wish you would have kept that up throughout the rest of the poem though. Nonetheless, a great poem. Good luck.
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a hopeful ending here with the future - i like too that second line - drenched in the smell of spring. that is a powerful line
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I think "alone" "drenched" "second" "real" "every" "truly" or "perfect" are all adjectives are adverbs, though ask someone else because I am not entirely sure!
I like your poem, you have some nice ideas and good lines, especially "your face etched among them, sailing on the sky" and "longing for a raindrop while you just promised me a (should be an) ocean". Good luck and take care x
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