Little boy, find yourself a new toy,
this one’s away for repair,
it’s lost all of its hair,
its painted-on smile
was smudged a while
before you thumbed it away in your play
where all is for winning,
marble eyes are set spinning,
jacks are beginning
to tire of your jumping,
wooden heads sick of thumping,
bored of dizzy pulses pumping,
bleeding the whiz
from the bang and the fizz,
warping the core
of vertical law
in yo-yo time
when up is down and it struggles to rhyme
to your nursery games.
Alive in your flames,
and spitting
and splitting
not fitting
or quitting
just knitting along,
singing the song,
and skipping the dance
of supposed romance.
Author notes
I feel, I love, so I live"
I think I might have man issues, perhaps.
A contest entry
- A Few Options by DarkRomantic113.
550 points, ended March 2, 2008, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Love me or burn me by Shadowfang.
300 points, ended March 20, 2008, 14 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Whatever You May Desire by InMyFlames.
600 points, ended July 9, 2008, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pre Written Rhyme by piccola.
600 points, ended July 9, 2008, 36 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Should I change "thumbed away in your play" to "thumbed away in your lair"?
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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I am totally lost and feel that the rhyme is really forced. Using words merely as a vehicle to rhyme. That's what makes the whole thing so confusing.
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That's basically the point. Well picked-up.
I didn't meant to rate your comment low, I just got the wrong button...eek.
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I'd go ...
with lair. I'd also change line twelve to "bored with". Otherwise, you've done fairly well with this, considering that I actually read all the way through it, and I hate lost love poems and am not overly fond of free verse either.
Congrats on the Silver trophy.
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this is very unique ive never read something quite like this, its excellent i love the lines
"just knitting along,
singing the song,
and skipping the dance
of supposed romance." great job and thanks for entering -
Thank you for your entry in our contest, it was an interesting and unusual entry, but we felt it didn't have quite the flow we require.
Thank you and please join us in other contests...Sue and Jeff
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i think the line should stay as it is, it fits in well with the title.
I liked the references to the toys etc, but found certain parts a bit mystifing. Not in a bad way, i just got a bit lost with some of the lines.
Thanks for entering, a good write. Good luck!
sunny
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cool
good write, I kinda got lost a little, but it's really cute. good luck
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i like it a lot but it seems that at times you tend to lose your rhyme, work on that though and it'll pretty much be perfect, good job! and good luck!
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Thanks for the idea, but I like to lose the rhyme - it stretched the rhythm and adds a much-needed pause
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WOW, very well expressed
Thnx for entering & Best of luck
GloriousGift
Heba -
HEYYYY!!!!
This is pretty good. I love these lines:
"Alive in your flames,
and spitting
and splitting
not fitting
or quitting
just knitting along,
singing the song,
and skipping the dance
of supposed romance."
Thanks for your entry and the best of luck to you
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no love it as is
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