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Courtesy of a Raven's Blood

Joints creaking,
all strings attached
"shall we all join
the Queen's Deadly bash?"
Infringed upon a melody

of dark and bitter tang
for on the throne she no more sat-
instead, she's courting pain.
Reviled; Beguiled
to her it's all the same.
Just a face, and Icon
not be heard, but only seen.
Oh Queen, My Queen,
why do you bear such shame?
For velvet dresses
(like faded upholstery)?
Or a Raven's jewels
(tell me how caught, you Fools)?
Joints craking
all strings attatched.
Little. Macrebe. Doll.
Dressed up like a Queen
Give up your inane desire
and let the intrigues claim the liar

Author notes

gaaaaaahhhhh i can't decide what the last line should be. If you comment, please Vote for option 1 (annotated by a (1) in front of the ending) or a two (similarly annotated by a (2))

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 24 of 24

  • Mariana gold member
    November 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very dark with amazing imagery. The only mistake is as Lowercase Prelude said....'Macabre'

    Mariana


  • lowercase prelude gold member
    June 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    great write. you do have a typo though, "Macrebe." should be "Macabre."

    and I would go for option 1


  • chasingwhiterabbits
    May 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful poem! You use fantastic imagery.

    I think this is my favorite out of your poems I read.


  • Dorick
    May 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Good job, it's a very creative write, lots of imagery.
    Consider skimming through the lines and checking them for meter, like line ten. I think you have a typo in the second set of parenthesis.

    I'm not quiet sure I understand what the poem means?


  • love my jose luis
    April 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I really liked the flow in this poem, it really had a nice rythm to it and it was easy to read. I also like the title, it really gets the attention of the reader before they even start to read your poem. Thank you for sharing and keep writing.
    ~Maria


  • SpiritDarkmaiden
    April 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Very nice, I liked the name "Raven's Blood"


  • Wrozes Thorne
    March 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I really like this write. It was dark and a little sinister, just the way I like it. Thanks for entering


  • Kia Tenshi
    March 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    option 1...it seems to fit best.
    ^w^


  • melodramatic emo
    March 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    hmmok I think I have decided I like the way this flows as such
    give up your inane desire
    and let the strings wander higher
    intrigues claim the liar

  • melodramatic emo
    March 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    i think this was amazing I loved this go for it seriously i love the liar line theres a statement and a great ring to it.


  • Annexed Josephine
    March 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    2 is typical, but it seems to go better with your theme. 1 is different. i like it more. but i'm not a fan of these kinds of poems. it's orderly and beautiful. good job.


  • Keikou Tenshin
    February 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wow...
    xD I guess I'm the only person here who thinks 1 flows better?


    • Soten-Jaganshi
      February 29, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      nope. the first comentator and myself think so.

      =3 it's more.... gruesome if you know the words meaning


  • Deezee
    February 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    2, i like it.Some parts Im not so sure about but its good.


    • Soten-Jaganshi
      February 29, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      which parts, might i ask?

      • Deezee
        February 29, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        Shot down by arrows false

        Give up your inane desire

        I dont know why, your poem sends out a dark feeling but when I read those lines, I feel something wrong.
        Sorry for the critisizing.
        -Dalia


        • Soten-Jaganshi
          March 1, 2008
          Edit | Reply
          nononono, i WANT critisism. ^^


          Thank you very much. I will take that into consideration.


  • nyc-chica420
    February 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    i think strings wander higher flows better. but it is an awsome poem. good job


  • novacaine.
    February 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    i think its good.

    && i vote (2)


  • XXx-ALI-xXx
    February 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    strings wander higher


  • ultimate beluga
    February 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    (i had to do that in two parts, it wouldnt let me put it all as one)

    • Soten-Jaganshi
      February 29, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      The poem has to be 24 lines ((wich is why the indifference line was where it's at)
      and thank you very much it did help. ^^ I'll come back when i have some time to fix it.

  • ultimate beluga
    February 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    plus i think it needs something more on the end, to make it feel finished. i dont think a rhyme really ends the poem nicely when the rhyming throughout hasn't been uniform.
    i like this piece, it has a really good mysterious feel to it. theres some really intersting imagery and concepts youve penned.
    great work, hope my suggestions were useful and good luck!

  • ultimate beluga
    February 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    here's some grammar/spelling suggestions and stuff:

    Joints creaking,
    all strings attached;
    "Shall we all join
    the Queen's Deadly bash?"
    Infringed upon a melody
    of dark and bitter tang
    for on the throne she no more sat-
    instead, she's courting pain.
    Reviled; Beguiled
    to her it's all the same
    (indifference is the aim)
    Shot down by arrows false,
    sanctioned by this Royal game.
    Oh Queen, My Queen,
    why do you bear such shame?
    For velvet dresses
    (like faded upholstery)?
    Or a Raven's jewels?
    (tell me how caught, you Fools)
    Joints cracking
    all strings attatched.
    Little. Macrebe. Doll. -what's macrebe? macabre?
    Dressed up like a Queen;
    give up your inane desire
    and let the (1) intrigues claim the liar

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