could you not find me
in your snow covered hills
on your screaming mountains
could you not hear me
through the headphones in your ears
on top of the house shouting
can you not see me
when i tell you i love--
with everything there is
can you not believe me
when i breathe all your breath
and am ready to give myself away
could you not find me
could you not hear me
not see me
not believe me
no
you could not.
Author notes
cherokee-bat
A contest entry
- the suggestion box by grassisgreener.
600 points, ended March 10, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best Prewrites From February 2008 by amaranthine lover.
3150 points, ended March 28, 2008, 36 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best prewrite between december 07 and february 08! by danceswsquirrels.
1910 points, ended April 1, 2008, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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4
NUMBER IS FOR ME, NOT A PLACEMENT. -
an interesting write
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Great title, great flow, great ideas, great poem, great job :
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thank you!
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Great job!!
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Keep thinking of the teens these days hooked up to their MP3 players, or ipods, not hearing anything else but the music in their head. Liked the flow of these lines.
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i think "through the headphones" would sound better as opposed to repeating "your"
i like this. it's a rant, a raising of the voice to finally release the tension of a kept secret. an overboiled anger. the end is very resolved, like you've shaken your head and walked away. i love the "--" of the unfinished statement in the middle stanza. it marks the turning point effectively, when you realize that failure is imminent. thanks for entering! -
i love you.
and the title rocks
and it's a powerful one.
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I think the Dixie Chicks have a song with one of your lines in the lyrics. It's just ironic, because the next part talks about headphones, and I can imagine music being blared into the person's ears while you're shouting how all these emotions. I think the repeating part "could you not find me" to "on your screaming mountains" is a little too much, especially since this isn't a really long poem, and it usually sounds better if it were about a 50-100 lined one... on a shorter one, it seems to come up too quickly. I like the ending with "no / you could not." Great ending with an expected, but powerful, twist.
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