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As You Bared Your Limbs








Within the bowels of your eyes,
lie occults of a calligrapher's art,
as doctrines of a sculptor's maiden,

    chisels instilling sensuality.




You wear concrete, as strung ivory
boasting of your limbs, naked in mid-winter,
as the reeds beneath monsoon clouds,
and you sigh to me;

  in the rustle of your lips,

just like a willow's yearn,
that weeped the rain away.




Seasons have left their songs
wilting in the palm of your: hand

  wherein the lines,
      I have written my name.



















Author notes

Asfand.
15 lines of shit.
29th Feb. 2008.


A poem with no adjectives defining the quality of a noun. The hardest thing I have had to do.

Hats off to olly for spotting some adjectives. thanx olly.

A contest entry

Criticism Is Very Much Welcomed -- I Am Here To Learn

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • Mad As Rabbits
    March 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    If you call this shit, I think I may die from over insanely amazingness of poems you're proud of.

    Wow, I might as well quit now so you can win this thing sooner Hahaha

    Love Always,

    Caroline


  • Tangled Angle
    March 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    PS. instead of saying "Monsoon clouds", you could say "monsoon's clouds" -that way 'monsoon' isn't an adjective, but it becomes a noun.

  • Tangled Angle
    March 1, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    94.8

    "strung" is an adjective. "monsoon" too. Besides that...this was pretty damn good. There really isn't any substantial criticism that I can give. You and Olly, so far, are owning this challenge. :)

  • Catauthor
    February 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    psst--check your title. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I think that "stark" is an adjective.
    Apart from that, this poem scares me, as all of your poems in this contest have. Scary, in an "Asfand-is-going-to-win-so-we-should-lose-all-hope-now" sort of scary.


    • Asfand
      February 29, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      We can't even use it in the title! ohh goddd!

      lolol. don't inflate my ego. i was good in the beginning, but you guys catched on so fast!

      g'luck Cat!

  • Death of the Author
    February 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Blimey. I think I may as well give up now!

    And you say you hate these contests?! You seem to OWN them to me!!!

    Good luck, not that you need it!

    *grumbles*

    x


  • olly olly oxen free
    February 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    colorless. supple. clear. yearning.

    shit this is making me nervous about how many I have.

    • Asfand
      February 28, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      silly me. i thought objectives must come exactly before the noun to be adjectives. thank you, olly. i'll fix those.
1 - 8 of 8