Beloved

Obligated to this
trivial pursuit of happiness...
the search for fulfillment
is a basic human need after all...
is it not?  Bull shit.
A tether of broken dreams
leaves me feeling like a link
in a chain of generational curses...
and I curse the day on which
my father's father's father
emerged into this world...
demon spawn that he was.
Long line of family history...
trace my geneology and find
breech of parental responsibility...
defilement of Daddy's decree
to protect and to cherish...
not to defile and infect.
Demons of centuries ago feast
upon the banquet of my soul today.
Ravenous beasts leaving  me barren...
unable to produce any fruit
other than apathetic sarcasm.
Charged, tried, and a resounding
GUILTY was cried... ashamed of
the affiliation of my DNA...
wishing one could bypass
their familial ties... for who I am...
is my yoke...heavy laden with
alcoholism and pedophelia...
acute schizophrenia and suicides...
Family of mine is where the
elite demons hide.  Their lives
are easy inside our blood line...
for we have been trained
by the coldness of our mothers
and fathers...our aunts and uncles...
our grandparents...to act as if
there is no tomorrow...and look out
for just one...only you.  Barbie doll
dreams broken...stomped upon
in a fit of rage by Daddy's size 13
steel toed suede work boot.
But...hey...he was okay...he
must have been...since his Daddy
taught him that's what a man does...
and my Mama did nothing...
because her Mama taught her...
a good woman keeps her mouth closed.
Brace of old school morality
squeezing the breath of life from me.
Is this truly my fate?  Was I
predestined to lie in a bed of
the blood I shed as a child...watching
my life bypass me in today
and tomorrow...and the years to come?
Sunshine peeping through the
windows to my dark and dank spirit...
and I squirm and cower...hidden
in the corner of my psyche...
the light is now just too bright for me.
Is it too late?  Did hope for me dissipate
to the point that there is none left?
Track marks of the soul...becoming
infected and weltered
with the filth of this world...
injected by the foul lies and
frivolous alibis of the treasonous one.
Days begin to blend with nights...
and nights seem so fucking long.
Eyes close and visions of the
white catachism dress the little girl
never got to wear still hanging
on hanger in moth filled closet
infiltrate tortured mind.
Knots begin to plague me
from the inside out...tissues
tied up in sailor's knots...
taught to Daddy in the Vietnam War.
He learned to tie them
so very tightly.  How many
asian girls did he leave in knots...
just like me?  Wanton lust of an
inherited psychological state of
maximum illness...directed at the
closest thing to innocent femininity...
pocked and scarred by
disgusting and vile debauchery.
Tremors set in as I come to terms
with the reality that
I am an inmate in my very own prison.
Barbed wire fences keeping
the sanity out...and the generational
corruption in.  I realize I must
love my way out of this man made cell.
Or I will die here...and surely suffer
the damnation of the flames of Hell.
Yet I wonder...am I already there?
Pulling the stake from my heart
which Daddy placed there so long ago...
I use the razor sharp edge to etch
bow tie kisses around my neck.
Bleeding the blood of a hundred years
of sick bastards and dumb bitches...
I seek only to allow the evil to seep
from my veins...begging for a
replenishment of the purity
that once flowed through my
clean heart.  I am my own beloved...
I am my own beloved...
I am
my own
beloved...

Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die...
before I wake...
I pray the Lord
my soul to take.