I
The song of girls each Sabbath day
belies the clock’s round, slow and dour,
and makes the moments flit away
across the moor
like dragonflies above the mire.
While sunlight shifts from tree to field,
the cloud-shade hides my heart’s desire –
I long to yield.
I am a slave to love and lust
who has no willingness to fight;
so lose I shall – if lost, I must
embrace by night!
II
I woke when last Shrove-Tuesday night
was still, and stale with rind and must;
and, half in sleep, I dared to fight
my wanderlust.
I’m harboured here. How can I yield
to what all travellers desire,
to stride with crummock far afield…
fresh lands admire?
My foot is now upon the moor,
the song of girls calls me away;
so step I down to Aberdour
to greet the day!
Author notes
A pair of short "sapphic odes" as a mirror-dyad.
Aberbour is a small harbour town in Fife.
In a list
A contest entry
- "Two sisters" - a celebration. by Vera Rich.
425 points, ended May 2, 36 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Sapphic Odes (in the style of Alexander Pope) by cricketjeff.
1000 points, ended June 16, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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like dragonflies above the mire.
'While sunlight shifts from tree to field,
the cloud-shade hides my heart’s desire –
I long to yield.'
what a feast for the mind's eye!
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Lost for words
Brilliant conception apart fro all the technical merits many of which I am unaware but I bow to your intellect and that of the fellow poets who exclaimed the greatness of your work. Forms are something i have to learn abot but time prevents this but at least I am able to enjoy your work.
Bazza
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This may very well be the best executed example of a form I love that I have ever read. The "mirror dyad" only adds to the charm, so often these clever devices fail to satisfy, almost always when I try them. That the rhyme flow and meter are perfect you already know the only reason I didn't just give it the gold straight away is it doesn't meet the themes given head on. Still a very strong contender though.
One of the least bad poems ever written.
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Where the deuce did those three prompts come from? I never saw the blessed things when I entered the poem! oy, oy, oy! I might never have entered it!
Just as well I wasn't angling for the gold - I saw you wanted Sapphic Odes and I entered this one to make the numbers up. I know it's a good poem, much better than the HM above would indicate.
Anyhow, glad you like it, waistcoat dude.
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Just a pleasure!
to see your work again and not have to judge it. I got to enjoy it for what it is> A TRUE WORK OF ART!
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Bravo! Standing in Applause!
My goodness, when I say I just love the way you write, it is simply under-scored when I read this delight.
Absolutely stunning. This form works magically with your words and truly reflects poetic beauty. I am in awe. Simply "wonderful".
~Pamela
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I have no words...perhaps the girls may sing my praises for me...
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I have somehow written some things in this pattern without knowing what it was. These are beautiful - the girls' voices that call me away are my daughters'.
Very nice to see these, thanks.
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This is a form I have not even heard of, but I know that your poetic prowess is vast, and this is certainly no exception. As I am not familiar with the specifics of the form, I cannot find anything constructive to add, it's lovely!
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Well, the Sapphic Ode is well-known enough, although this is the first time I have ever written in that form. The mirror-dyad is my own invention, or rather it is an idea I stumbled on and thought it would be fun to try. My own opinion is that it fitted the bill in this contest perfectly (obviously, or I wouldn't have entered it), and I am quite proud of this poem.
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PLEASE BE CAREFUL about your backgrounds... This one was close to the "disqualification point". I asked for a white or PALE pastel ground - and this is really a huge strain on my sight. So - if you want me, eventually, to critique it, and, indeed, to deal with the post-judging processing of entries = PLEASE make it legible.
On thinking it over, I am not at all sure what to do about your mirror-image dyad. The whole point of the form is that the identical words at the end of the lines help to emphasise the contrast/complementarity of the two poems. And I do not see how, except in very special circumstances, inverting the word order would help this.. I still need to think more about this. -
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Background changed - it was the standard AP background, which I thought was pale enough.
The reversal of the dyad was an experiment, which came to me as I wrote it; I wanted to see if it would work, and I think it did. My own opinion, of course, is that it did precisely what you mentioned - emphasised the contrast/ complement of the two poems. But you will be entitled to your opinion and assessment, of course, which I am sure will be fair.
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This is an interesting variant on the Dyad- very interesting indeed...
[But do remember, stating the form of your poem is all too liable to produce a negative psychological reaction against it in the editor or competition judge! In effect, the subconscious mind says: "If this person cannot trust me to recognize the form of the poem - then why submit it to my publication/competition".
This is one of the things that was dinned into me at the beginning of my writing career - together with other such practical tips as "never send out unsolicited work at weekends." But nowadays writing courses focus seem to focus only on the "creativity" aspect - and not on the practicalia].
I am still feeling a little groggy - so although I have more or less made up my mind about my placings, I shall keep them "in pectore" until tomorrow, and then read the poems through one final time with, I hope, a clear head. So, please be patient just a little longer. In the meantime I am sending you your bonus of points for having entered prewritten work.
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Thank you. I wouldn't have bothered stating it at all, but you asked us to try dyads, and suddenly there I was writing a cheeky variation. I'm sorry - I should have trusted you to spot it.
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I am in the contest, but have to admire the way this is written. VERY well written, that is. I like the form of this poem, especially the short last line in each stanza. These lines accentuate/intensify the meaning of them. I also especially like the first stanza of the second poem, because it sets the theme very well.
Good Luck.
~ Joyce
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Hi Joyce - thank you. I'm waiting until Vera has actually judged the contest before commenting (although I did make some comments but had to erase them - Vera had not intended that we comment until after the judging, but unfortunately did not make that clear to all of us).
I am very glad you like this one.
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i didnt catch the drift of this presentation format immediately, so i had an "aha" moment with the day and night contrasting endings...so very nice...PK
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Not just that, 'skid - check out all the line-end words, and you'll see what I have been doing. I have been a little bit cheeky with one or two "words" - turning them into suffixes of other words, but I was fairly proud of this.
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oh i see it!...wow... another "aha" moment! Yes something unique here, adds depth -another layer of discovery and meaning...well done, so creative...
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Why not have a crack at the contest? It is a good one and woefully short of entrants. I know you're not supposed to "peek" at anyone else's work, but I don't think having seen this bars you.
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I love a sapphic ode and this even more so. A very clever twist to a wonderful form. I may well see if I can come anywhere close to this.
Thank you for the enlightenment...Sue
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It is very satisfying when something like this comes off, Sue.
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Wow!
I read this several times not because I didn't understand it, because I an in awe with the perfection of the meter and flow. You golden quill teaches me so very much. Bravo and regards and love from one of the girls at Aberdour.
Love,
Amera♥
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Thank you, Amera - praise from Cleopatra! I may expand these two poems before the end of the contest... I'm not sure.
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