Vacuum of a life slashed and shredded,
with stitches crisscrossed to seal wounds that seep
with haste,
else they ferment into agony
and no ones' shoulder can withstand,
the torrent of the tearful,
the broken, and alone.
But stitches hold with an intimacy
as they rot and pull threadbare,
and breaking out-
with snaps of recollection as a gift upon twinge.
Patches over battlescars of loss,
the agony of having been given and taken,
blessed and desecrated,
and left with eyes that bleed.
And still death smiles up at all,
a form of darkness
lack of concentration sweetens
and no one could suspect,
prior shaking out his veil -
emanating stenches of the inevitable,
before gathering his crop
and turning,
melting,
fading;
back to indifference,
and he fades not with a scream,
but with a sob.
Author notes
after the death of one loved, the feelings and actions
i've checked and double checked and i dont think i've included any adjectives. i hope
i've tried to concentrate more on the flow this time, do you think you could tell me if i've improved, please?
lucy sky-diamond
slashed and shredded, as in 'it has been/was slashed shredded'
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round 6 [Top 9] by Tangled Angle.
450 points, ended March 3, 2008, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites But NO "fresh" writes by ecrivain01.
450 points, ended June 6, 2008, 77 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Wow i seriously loved this poem. So very well written and so describeing i am jealous because i cant write something like this amazing. Good job :]
..<3..
Shelly :]] -
You forgot ...
the apostrophe here:
no ones shoulder can withstand, (no one's shoulder)
otherwise, not bad. -
84.5
This was pretty good, for this particular challenge. I didn't like the listing part with turning, melting, fading. I think you could have phrased that better. The title could be a lot better, let's face it. Besides that, I thought you did a good job. Your title is what may be your demise. I did like your ending, however. Good luck.
-
rotten. sweetened. those are def. adjectives. just so you lnow before it's too late to fix it.
there are some more ambiguous ones, like slashed and shredded, threadbare, but I have one like that in mine, so I guess if it can possibly be construed as a verb conjugation I'm leaving it in.
other than that, sweet poem. I really like the ending.
Adding your comment:
