My sight is penetrating the black hole
Flying through a world of objects
Everything is blurring like a window with rain drops
Trying to find my way on my personal moment, my personal day
Gradually blur fades away
The black surrounding is coming to an end
Is this the head of every new born creature?
It is life, my dear, with its incredible miracles
Colored figures I can see
Cheering for some victory, for my stormy cries
Now I realize my journey has begun
Author notes
Hey, I'll be glad if you can write me some feedback, I'd appreciate it a lot.
And I know it is somehow unclear... So I want to make obvious to those who did not understand it. I'm trying to describe the very first moment the baby comes to life, at this moment, he sees everything black, and he can only see black and white only, no colors... Then he gradually starts to see clearer.
If there is still something you do not understand, do not hesitate to ask =]
A contest entry
- Babies and Parents by Billythekid.
1600 points, ended March 26, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Hello, I like the idea of the poem. I just have some thoughts/ notes which might be of interest. But I don't mean to intimidate you because I find the topic so very interesting. In general, I did not have the impression that there is a baby talking. My younger son is nine months now, and he does not look like that he knew what "rain" is. I mean, perhaps he does, but your poem is very much to the point I think. Or, does a newborn know already what a "window" is? perhaps an opening, yes. But more? I think that a blurry perception should result in a blurry expression here. Just give it another try because I enjoyed reading this
Herrlurch
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Well, yes I believe you are right.. maybe I should change it to look as if I am talking instead of him.. or even talking about him.
Anyways, thank you for your ideas, they made me attentive on lots of stuff.
Lubna
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:)
amazing write.. just stunning..
enjoyed the descriptions and imagery..
well done
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Thanks a lot, I didn't imagine that some would like it.. because I read it to an american poet, Chris Miller, but I couldn't notice that he liked it, he didn't even say it was beautiful
anyways, I think my point of view is a little changed.. thanks for the encouragement
Lubna
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the beginning of lifes journey very precious write God bless
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Hey, thank you.. i'm just very glad to hear that
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