Confusion

"I think I love you."
But keep in mind
My thoughts are partially
Surreal
I'm so lost
In trying to find me
That all I can see is you

Allow me to come out
Of this
My water hole
Give me the chance
To see the sun rise
Once more

You've kept the door open
For this I will ever thank you
You've kept the light on
And my reflection near
Still searching for it
In my blackest of mirrors

I don't want you to fall away
I don't ever want to see you go
But in the same note
I need to find me
See me
Be me
And that's all she wrote

I will always feel you here
For now you are
A part of me

I fear my words cause you
To need to fall away
To run to hide
And slip farther
Into your own demise

My promises will be kept
And I know you will do the same

My depression is getting worse
And the stress is making me cave
Seems now like I'm the one
Who should want to fall away
But I don't
Don't ask me why
"Maybe that's something you should think about."
Already I'm tired of thinking
But I won't stop

I fear that my need
To make others happy
Will keep me here
I try so hard to satisfy
That I don't think about me

While someone is sitting there crying
I feel the need to be there
I can feel like I'm about to die
And all I can do
Is try to be that hero
In there eyes
And if I can't help them
Then I'm a failure too

Suppose I see this in you too
While you're sitting there
Upset with me
And wanting to leave
I'm the one sitting there
On the edge
About to leap
Still I cling to you
Still I try to tend to you
And try to see all things through

I still see you in my future
But I'm not sure what as
I don't know what I want
All I know is I want some sort of end
I want this pain to cease
I want the shaking to stop
I want to calm the fuck down

I can't say to you
That I love you
I can only say "I think."
Because if it turns out
That when all of me
Is shown to me
And I see you
As something else
All could fall
And both of us
Could be hurt

Before I only wanted time
Time from everything
Now I see
I need time
Not time away from home
Not time away from friends
I need time to see all things
Time to think

Don't ask me how much time
For this I don't know
I don't know if I'll ever know me
Which is really fucked up
Because I feel I don't want anyone
Till I can give myself fully
And if that is what it is
I shall be one lonely lonely old woman
But I feel it is fair
To me
To give me a chance
For I have thought nothing
Of myself
And everything of everyone

You're right
All of this could
Be out of pain
But indeed
This is no game
This is all too real
And it's affecting me
And it's affecting you
And it's ripping me in two
I tried so hard
To fake that it's ok
But when I'm away
And you can't see my face
I break

I'm not so strong
As to deal with this pain
For I'm so frightened
That it is not going
To go away

I plead nightly
For things to get better
For you
For me
But I can't help but see
I'ts killing both you
And me

Not the need to be with you
Not the need for you to go
I don't have you
On no damned yo yo

I'm so scared of all of this
Because believe it or not
You have me dangling by a rope
Over the damned grand canyon
My life is in your hands
And though I don't think you would
You could snap me quick
Don't you ever forget my tendencies
Don't you ever forget my past
And how easy it is to make me go back
Don't forget how skittish I am
How easily frightened
How frail and fragile
I'm frightened by you
You have power over me
And that scares me even more

I too want to feel safe
I too want to feel secure
I too want my paranoia gone

I want to move far out of state
I want to go far far away
Away from this pain
Away from all my past shame

In this
My current state
I can't think
I can't speak
All want to know
What is wrong
I tell them all the same
I'm tired
There is no lie to that
I am
And no amount of sleep
Can change that