night birds
gather at the feeder
rat party
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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LOL Clever and awesome haiku! I am so impressed with your artistic talent.
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I read the comments, and the objection seems to be the metaphor in "birds". You could change the words around and keep the image and the lovely humour:
night party
at the bird feeder
rats
Just a suggestion, because if you saw it, it should be a haiku! Cheers!
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I guess, that's the solution !
I was unable to edit this one for some reasons, just couldn't find a way of making it work ...
I love your suggestion, it's perfect !!!
at the moment, the lesson in my haiku-class is called "metaphor"
... THE forbidden thingie in haiku ... I should have saved this one here for the class ... 
marion
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Birds are used unkindly for all sorts of creatures:
predatory women; felons. But rats?
An interesting something that creased my eyes.
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That is how I understood your poem- It's terse but clear and, quite good I thought!
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...sounds like "haiku noir".
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well, rather a "haiku raté" (failed haiku)
there are no actual birds at the feeder who could make a rat-dinner ... just the rats by themselves whom I nicknamed "night birds" ... maybe a bit ambiguous ... and probably too metaphorical for haiku ...
I'll have to work on this one ...
thank you for visiting ...
maa
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Oh my! I see two images in this write. One of the birds having an evening party. I see another of rodents feeding on the unsuspecting birds.
Love,
Amera♥
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thank you for offering your precious feedback which helped me to understand that this haiku is actually more ambiguous than I thought ... you just showed me a whole new dimension that I have ignored ... (must be my vegetarian spirit)
thank you so much,
maa
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This one made me think of an old one of mine, but I can't remember exactly how it was written lol
I do remember that was about worm and birds party
Reading your haiku I think of small birdies playing (eating) around a feeder, unaware of the presence of rats which are there waiting a chance to catch some bird.. Big picture eh, but give me a latter and I imagine a story
Just one think, why night birds? Most of night birds are big (I think) they would make pastry of those rats. Rats funeral would it be lol
Thanks dear Maa for joining this haiku fun
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oh, how generous of you !!!
I just saw the emerald trophy ... thanksies sooo much, I'm not sure this haiku lives up to it, but I do appreciate your gift !
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I thank you!!!
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well, I wanted to be funny, I guess : called the rats "night birds" ... since they usually show up at the feeder around midnight ... of course, the "real" night birds, owlies and company, aren't vegetarian yet (although I try to convince them), and don't care about my sunflowerseeds ...
I guess this haiku is a bit of a mess, I will definitely have to work on it ...
but I DEFINITELY enjoyed the party ... thank you for the invite ...
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and such a sweet haiku-baby you are. I can not critique this on haiku merits as I am a baby myself and there is so much controversy re this form. But I do enjoy playing with it now and then and am quite willing to take the bashings for them [I had fun -that is what counts]
being very visual I had all sorts of little clips running through my mind after reading this and most of them made me smile thank you for that ma chere petite soeur.
re Wandika's comment...[I hope he does not hold this against me} yes , he is correct--------but those birdies also do re-forest that which we have destroyed so carelessly....and then trees grow again and provide shelter and seed for other birdies and animals...and then the snakes come and eat the rodentsLife is a circle of give and take and it all has a purpose somehow, birdies and rodents and snakes. Choose your poison
much, much love and bisouxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
reenie/jeanne/iraine
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I'm taking a haiku-class at the moment, and guess what my favorite part is ? rewriting those haiku again and again ... am I weird ?
lovely thoughts here about birdies, rats and rodents ... our cat actually plays with the mice and rats she encounters in the garden ... probably because she's vegetarian ...
much love to you, too, sweetie
marion
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night birds
gather at the feeder
rat party
this is a very interesting haiku and it kind of works, although i'm not entirely convinced about its current choice of words.
haiku seem to work best when the scene is closely observed by the poet and has specific details, or is seen to be closely observed. the first line is ok, but not entirely convincing - what kind of night birds would these be? what did you see? I may be entirely wrong, but it seems to me that 'night bird' is a metaphor for the rats and that's of some concern to me.
i'm not so sure about 'rat party' either as i have never heard that term applied to rats. i don't think rats have parties do they? that's something that humans do.
maybe i'm just being finicky here. i usually am when it comes to haiku which are almost excellent. (LOL!).
i hope you don't mind my comments,
myron.
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quite the opposite, my friend : I am delighted that you took the time and energy to offer a constructive comment on this haiku ... thank you so much !
I definitely took a risk in posting a haiku without submitting it in class first ... silly maa ...
she's still a haiku-baby ... sigh ...
maa
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love this....and the thoughts that went into it....
also the thoughts it left me with...excellent! poet
Mal
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"night birds" Thst's a creative way of expressing rats, I like it!
So that means when I raid the fridge at one am, I'm a rat...I think I've been insulted!
I respectfully (and tentatively) disagree with Venugopal...I fear there's a social hierarchy in most species winged or otherwise...not that I've done the research.
Once again, excellent haiku.
Yem,
"At the bottom of the pecking order."
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Morning I am thinking of birds. They do not go to office. There are no rich or poor birds like us.What a fascinating thought about birds....I like the birds and the way they live.
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how about rats ?
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Interesting
Birds are messy and that which falls to the ground does draw rodents.
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I actually built the birdies a platform so they don't throw all the seeds on the floor - the rats enjoy their terrasse ...
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