We're frozen in forests of concrete and snow
Where blizzards batter like darkened foe
People cut sway through this fray they know
Then slink to a mindless mass.
While music of madness mauls at my gloats
Of all being safe like castles with moats:
These poems despair on lost tattered notes
Discord on this mindless mass.
Throngs of conform wrap ‘round you and I.
Caught in its clutches, an enveloping lie
Stripping faith off bones, left out to die
I wither in this mindless mass.
Graveyards flow with ghosts too poor
Wrap sheets of regret there's nothing more;
No rose petals here, just moans to their core.
God! This wretched, mindless mass.
Love will entreat, smothering what’s left:
Stabs of cruelty; watching hearts shred -
Love can be bleak like ice on the dead
Shattering this mindless mass.
Humdrum of humanity breathes its pain
Like dying breaths from my dying frame;
Where all one’s hopes are crumpled disdain
And rain on this mindless mass.
A contest entry
- Crude Animal: A quote inspired contest. by howlinginpain.
2150 points, ended August 17, 2008, 8 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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They were wrong...
I noticed a couple people previously gave some negative comments on this. They seem to be self-absorbed idiots that want to promote only themselves rather than a work of art, which this is.
This is an excellent poem. It's simple, the rhyme isn't overdone and it flows very well. This work will be highly regarded. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck!
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I understand this poem ...
Often I get a glimpse of what you write and speak about ... And I go cold straight to the core ... In agony and despair ... And: I weep.
But: if we who see are not the warmth of love, who will be?
Write on ... No rose petals here, just moans to their core ... and please write a thin line of hope, too ...
Myra
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This is an interesting poem that seems to wrap in and around itself between some well placed alliteration and rhyme. At times it does as previously suggested, get a bit "muddled." However, I don't think this poem is rubbish at all. If you were to try to focus on clarity this wouldn't be the same poem.
And that would be a shame. Do I think there are a few bits and pieces here and there that you could tweak? Yes. Would it be worth it at the risk of losing that vague, almost mysterious appeal to your twisting words and the wonderful sounds they make when spoken aloud? No.
So don't change a thing. I'm not sure if it's anything like Poe, but that is my fault for not being well versed in his work.
To critique so I don't sound too approving,
"Humdrum" in line 21 seems a bit out of place with the sharp, cutting feel to the words around it. The only word that really hits on the same note is "smothering" in line 17.
In line 15 "just moans to their core" seems a bit forced. Perhaps sacrificing this bit to leave "No rose petals here" might serve your purpose well, though I must admit that it has a nice sound to it. The line just seems too long, as if it calls for less to be said instead of more.
It was a joy to read, sorry about writing you a book for comment.
Blessings,
C
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its pretty good....will re-visit
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I love the format, pace and rhyme; hate the message/view/images. Crumpled disdain appeals to me though.
darkened foe?
darkening foe?
darkest foe?
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terrible
Hello there.
I have seen how you have written terrible comments on other peoples poems, so you wont mind if i do the same to you.
This is amateurish with its simplistic rhymes and is mainly over-written and cliched.
Poetry should be evocative, not overt. That's a mistake all beginners make.
have a gr8 day by the way,
BJ.
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Beautiful
I honestly think this to be the best piece of art I have read on this site. !! I am amazed, Good luck in the contest.......Crystalgodess
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Kickass; this is the type of poetry I like to read. Most of the stuff on me here makes me want to gouge my eyes out and serve them to a Polish tailor but this makes me feel like there's hope left for humanity to write dark poetry without sounding like a retarded emo kid.
Following these stupid comment suggestions, though, they ask me to analyze the effective use of "Title". Given that, I think your title is way off. It has nothing to do with the poem. The title should have something more to do with the content of the poem. I suggest "My lovely lady humps". Much more fitting.
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Wow!
Very Poe-tic... A grand sense of his macabre elegance. The melifluous meter to this piece is right on the money. You capture the essence of Poe and complement his genius with your own with such lines as "Where all one’s hopes are crumpled disdain"--pardner, I'm so glad you saved that for last... it was a smash ending to a fine piece.
OK, I'm a blathering bullshit artist. I've only read "the Raven" from Poe, but I'm pretty sure I'm right.
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Poe would be Proud! The repeated line emphasizes the rhythm and rhyme of the triplet lines and underlines the dark tones. Good Write!
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good luck with the contest good title play on words DARKEN FOE almost akin to POE good opening stanza very strong closing good line:"Love can be bleak like ice on the dead
To shatter this mindless mass." changes in "mindless mass" good refrain thanks for sharing regards zaj
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Some things ought to be left to stand. Maybe your poem's awkwardness (was it deliberate) should be one of them. Why? Because the disjointedness, the almost-form, gives it the air of something typed in a dream, where things seem to make sense but only while in that dream; or typed in half-narcolepsy. It's like Poe smashed and glued back together, and that works!
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Good effort, yet muddled!!!
This is a poem in the making; what I mean is that it definitely requires more work! Please do not take this as a rejection, but rather as a suggestion of how to further improve this fine effort. It seems that you need to concentrate on the cohesiveness of your work and the contextual meanings of your stated vocabulary; the flow and rythem is good, yet the construction is still a bit rough; though it should smooth out with rewrites: best poetry needs many rewrites before it is well cooked! Keep it up. DW
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It is dark but for some reason it is strangely endearing from you lol, sort of wistful serial killer. I like it! Love, C
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I knew there was a familiarity to the style of this piece. You have given great tribute to Poe dear poet. I love the repetitive line, it has strength that connects to the rest of the write. The eerie dark feel is there throughout as well. I hope it does well in the contest.
Kelli
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