Days Like These

I take a stroll outside where I’ve never been before, like I haven’t done in God’s know how long. Battles within change wispily from one to the next. Thinking how my life shouldn’t be a waste, I wince as dangerous particles blow in my face.

A warm sensation arises in my chest as I reminisce about so long ago when I was but a child. I would roam about the Earth. Nothing ever satisfied me. Nothing ever secured me.

Suddenly thinking about my Tae Kwon Doe instructor who shot himself. Deep down I always knew something was wrong, with his temper and his face that often looked flustered. 

Oh God, if he only knew how much I enjoyed his company.

How alone do you have to feel in this world to reach that low? Do we all simply choose how we feel?

Aggressive stares come from apartment condos. Well, I just keep my head straight as the sun drifts low, and nothing even pricks my thin skin. I just contemplate how my life brought me to a lonely place again.

My eyes brim. Attacked by the wind. I inhale the fine air surrounding me. I take a turn as the sidewalk curves down where the trees hide a secret, whatever that may be. Slowly the branches open themselves up, revealing a psychiatric center. Child-like excitement overwhelms me as I squint through tinted doors, wondering excitedly if some lunatic is staring back at me.

I find an affable area to sit on a bench. Fresh asphalt fills my nostrils, almost an afflicting stench. I see construction workers on site, bright orange suits glaring back at me a quarter mile away. I don’t want any eye contact or any sort of interaction with them. They only care about themselves anyway.

Thinking, pessimistically, the endless troubles of my life are merely superficial, a dark beam of anger resides in the middle of my being. Feels like I’ve had a spell of inhibition cast upon me so I can never again think deeply.

Why am I down here?

I’m here. All those nights of frantic thought and prayer, whether I should move from New York to this state. It has all lead me…here.

My life is improving more and more from the days when I was a lonely drinker. To better myself, I dedicated myself to a life I thought I understood, but I never had enough of the Hope in me. Now that I can no longer play both ends, I sometimes think of it as a lonely decision.

Irony hits me. An Elder once told me I wasn’t enthusiastic enough on my Bible reading. So he told me to do something…exaggerate. He said, he knew I could do it.

All this aggravation towards my parents sometimes feels like I’m twelve years old again, shoved in a cauldron. Somebody once told me that no family is normal. I find it amusing that I have loads of pent-up anger towards that person.

Impels me to think: there’ll never be a day when I can stay sane, feeling it’s impossible to conquer this worldly plain.

Heh... Maybe I’ll end up, one day, in this asylum.

My eyebrows shoot up in alarm when a shrieking noise from behind sounds off. Turning to see what has shaken me from my reflective muse, I see a pair of geese, having separated from their flock, staring curiously at me.

“You’re sure making a lot of noise, man.” I said, with flat amusement in my voice.

Both geese are now staring at me sideways. Another goose sounds an elated honk as he turns his ebony gaze on me. Looking back with a small smile, I don’t want them to leave. They can offer me nothing everlasting, though. It’s just like everyone you know. People come and go.

Seeing the geese waddle away and growing restless, I gather myself and walk back the direction I came.

Looking around as cars are racing an arm’s length away in the far right lane. Shops looming in the distance, I silently agree with myself that most cities look one and the same.

So I walk this lone sidewalk curving around for miles; I don’t think I’ll ever reach my destination, if there even is one, in my state of self-denial.

What do I really want out of life?

A quote floats into my consciousness:

“Still I never want it all, and I never want it now. I just wanna cruise, if I lose then I’ll figure it out.”

Maybe I always wanted everything, everything superficial and not even care what anyone thought. I still can never have enough, but, then again, I don’t think I ask for much.

A duality.

My awareness becomes external and the twilight beams on my pensive countenance. Familiar faces scroll across my unstable memory; some are smiling, some passive. To my pleasant surprise, they’re all faces from my old congregation. I never felt as close to them as I do now in this moment.

Being the only member of my family who’s a Witness, I always made myself out to be an alien, and I was always craving attention. An emotional being projecting himself as a window made of broken glass. All I needed to do was to be myself, just like everyone else.

Turning around towards home, everything ambient and internal is already exhausting me. I stuff my hands in my pockets and keep my head low.

My heart sinks into my stomach as I, yet again, neurotically recall a painful memory from the past. There has to be a resolution to all of this. I can’t let myself be dissolved from the inside out if I expect myself to last.

Well, life goes on, stay strong, blah-blah-blah… Nobody ever taught me how to start over again, but that thought no longer has any hold on me.

I guess I’m just killing time until I really start to live again. I really don’t know what I’m waiting for.

Our apartment comes into view on the left, our temporary living until we move into our new home.

Sometimes you have to be an independent to survive in this world, and I’m determined through my hard work, I’ll make these times the best in my life.

It’s all within my hands.