You're more like a skeleton,
walking around the way you do
Separated from your
skin, hiding you,
muscle, keeping you,
veins, connected to your dying heart
As you lean back,
eyes half shut,
lips slightly parted,
you look angelic
As you lean forward,
eyes closed,
lips slightly parted,
you kiss him
Your skin sheds
I can now see your bones
You're not a person
You're just another noun
...an object
Like cards in sleeves,
no reward lies in store
Author notes
PO' Contest
It was almost sickening to watch. I had so much respect for her once...and today she completed a love square...except I'm pretty sure there's no love involved. Just lust.
It's about this girl I know. She has a bad history, she's now having sex with one guy and leading along another, while he's dating another girl--an innocent one, who has no place in this mess.
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended March 1, 2008, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - . by Aurora Ceres.
300 points, ended March 8, 2008, 7 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Like?
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Thanks to MBB & the Bear for your kind words and high scores--they are very much appreciated. Thanks also to everybody else who commented or read this!
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Wow ~
I do get your first stanza.....but *YOU....should be *Your ~
This is another wonderful Theme brought to the PO' contest, and you have painted a delicate picture for me to view ~
This is a touchy Topic.....yet you did not waiver from your thoughts or convictions.....or from your feelings which I find very relative to your Tone ~
Watch out for *fragmented lines which can rip your Flow apart......but at the same time, I see some of my own style in your entry, so I can see why you penned this the way you did ~
:)
Your Power is strong.....your Impact is well noted......and your Focus is tender.....almost as though you wanted to cry for this person, even though her intentions are not the best ~
I can tell you have a heart of Gold......so when you write something of this magnitude, make sure you don't hold back.....Let it go!
You have done well here.......I am anxious to get it on my scoreboard :)
Good luck to you and your entry,
Bear ~
Title 9.85
Flow 9.6
Depth 9.7
Theme 9.3....not original, but penned very well -
Feelings 9.6....let loose next time and let your heart do the talking -
Grammar 9.35
Presentation 9.87
Uncommonness 9.2
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.4
Ability to follow Rules 10
Bears Score: 95.87
Nice job!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work :)
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This theme and title is very interesting. I hate to think of someone so young having to see this kind of manipulation, but I think you write this very well, and make your point very effectively. I like your choice of words, and also the flow and style you write in. For a young poet, I think this is excellent! Thanks for your entry!
My Scores:
Title: 10
Rules: 10
Theme: 10
Language: 10
Impact: 9.7
Focus: 9.8
Imagery: 9.5
Feeling: 8.9
Depth: 9.4
Ponder Effect: 9.3
Total Scores: 96.6
Nicely done! Remember, once a judge has touched your work, no editing please!
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Nice job with this poem! I enjoyed the read and appreciate it for the story that inspired this write! It sucks to have to see your friends being deceaved, used, then torn apart. Sexual scandal is a crime against the soul. The Beginning of this poem seems chopped up and your word structure and usage in the 1st stanza is not very clear. But from there on your flow and creative expression improved greatly. Thank You for this escape!
Best Wishes in This Event!!!
Matthew
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Love the title, very creative. I wasn't keen on the 1st verse, no matter how many times I read it I didn't get it...just sounded wrong, but then that could be me
The rest is great, portrayed some awesome imagery. Best of luck in the contest
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Thanks for the comment! A couple people have actually told me that. I'm not sure about it, but I guess I can just hope for the best!
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Great title for this! Your wording is very descriptive for images - I like that. I think, however, that in the lst stanza it should be 'hiding YOUR' instead of you...
best wishes in the contest.
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Thanks for the comment and applause! I was actually considering do that, but hopefully it can come across.
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Please help me out with this stanza...cause no matter how I read it...I don't get it...is it me?
Separated from your
skin, hiding you
muscle, keeping you
veins, connected to your dying heart
Best wishes in the contest!
Write on!
*PEACE*
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