Cool sheets
I think of you
Darkness, pulled curtains
I think of you
The dull ache
I think of you
Fans
Womb sounds
White noise
to help me sleep
I still think of you
The dog is on my chest
A question in her eyes
Her mate never hurts her
No sympathy from the inexperienced
Pity
Wet blankets around my neck
I don’t notice
Soggy pillows traded for soggy teddy
No difference
Hours lost to battered ribs
salted eyes
fingers that won’t bend
Hot and cold
Blankie on
Blankie off
Hot and cold
Heater on
Heater off
Dog moves to the floor
Tears of rejection
I cry for her
And myself
And for you.
Author notes
I don't write like this often. I hate sounding so depressed, but it wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it.
My German Shepherd crawls up on my chest when she's worried about me. She doesn't understand why I cry. Generally, I get hot flashes. I toss and turn, and she usually leaves her spot on the bed to lay on the floor. This is enough to throw me into fits all over again.
Enough of that.
What I need from you guys is simple, and you know how to do it.
The only specific question I have regards punctuation. I had, have, no idea as to how to punctuate this. The spaces add a sort of depth that I really wanted, but I fear it will be read too fast. Punctuation can solve that problem. But I don't know how.
I'm particularly worried about the third stanza.
Thanks in advance <3
I worry that it doesn't flow well enough. Thoughts?
Comments
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I don't think the problem is it not flowing well enough, more so flowing too well. There's no time to soak it all in, take in the full meaning I suppose. It does read through rather quickly, but being the punctuation whore that I am imagined the periods and commas and paused anyway. The second time round that is.
"The dog is on my chest
A question in her eyes
Her mate never hurts her,
No sympathy from the inexperienced
Pity."
perhaps that would work? -
honestly I am not a big fan of punctuation, so your barking up the wrong tree here. I really enjoyed this poem. something very honest and almost child like about it. very original and creative. keep up the great work. I encourage more "depressive" poems, you write them very nicely, not in a masochistic way.
pen on poet,
creatress
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I agree with you in that I think it needs punctuation, but I'm no good at that either..always seem to use too much of it. In whole, I love the poem, and the feelings it evokes. Hope someone with a keen eye for the needed comma responds to your request for help. I applaud it on content.
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I like the repitition. The dul aches and pains of lost love. I can understand these things and sympathize.
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