When old am I and fain would die, I will
not thee forget. It lies there yet, the trace
of love not spent; its deed I do own still,
and grieving I behold thy tomb, thy face.
When fading is the northern star, when fall-
en are the boughs; when Phoebus’ lamp in sky
is spent, and tumbleth headlong down; when call
the gulls for whiter shores, where waves do sigh
alone, and Nature’s host of souls bemoans
thy spirit’s journey home--- When I hath gone
to nether lands, to shores unbreach’d, alone,
to seek thee once again; and fain the dawn
doth hasten on, but thou assured be:
though die I shall, I will remember thee.
Author notes
I love constructive comments and am more likely to get angry over NOT receiving criticism. This is still very rough, so please critique this. If you’re not going to do me the favour of actually critiquing this, at least let me know what you liked/didn’t like. Thanks.
I stole “tumbleth headlong down” from Marlowe’s “Edward II.” Sorry, Kit.
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Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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But anyway, to comment on the actual poem...
I can't even critique this at all; it's waaay out of my league.
I envy old English, it's so unique and sophisticated. 
The ending was really great and I actually liked the rhyme! Kudos for that. This was my favorite part:
..."where waves do sigh
alone, and Nature’s host of souls bemoans
thy spirit’s journey home---"
Jeanette*~
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Ohhhhh...Total wonderfulness! It's so nice to find other people who enjoy writing Shakespearean and do it well.
Grammar nits:
L3: 'I owneth still' should be 'I own still,' I think, because 'owneth' is the third-person form of 'own.'
L10: 'I hath gone' should be 'I have gone.'
Another suggestion I would make is to not use forms of 'do' unnecessarily, especially if their only purpose is to enable the meter. For instance, you don't need to say 'where waves do sigh' because 'where waves sigh' means exactly the same thing.
I admire you for writing sonnets. I used to write them when I was unemployed, but now I'm working and going to school and just don't want to take the time. -
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Oh, thank 'ee! I decided on "I do own still" a while ago, but I haven't gotten around to revising this. Thanks so much for pointing out my "do" issue -- I'm so used to using that construction cos of Welsh -- and thanks for being constructive!
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Is Welsh where that comes from? Neat! I never knew that. I am extremely pleased to learn that Welsh had an effect on English. (g)
Do you write in any of the Welsh syllabic meters? -
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My Welsh is horrible, actually, and I'm still learning, so I wouldn't write in Welsh. The campus library had a nice book on Welsh metre and poetics, but I can't find it in the system.
I'd love to try writing Welsh poems in Welsh metre someday, though.
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I like that you number your sonnets (I do).
Firstly, for readability, I might separate the quatrains and couplet with line breaks.
"When old am I and fain would die, I will
not thee forget. It lies there yet, the trace
of love not spent; its deed I owneth still,
and grieving I behold thy tomb, thy face."
'I will not thee forget' - I'm not 100% sure, but I think this is grammatically incorrect. I think it should be "I will thee not forget". It's been a long time since I studied Middle English. The archaisms don't come off as cheap or out of place, and it was worth reading a few times. I think I understand.
"When fading is the northern star, when fall-
en are the boughs; when Phoebus’ lamp in sky
is spent, and tumbleth headlong down; when call
the gulls for whiter shores, where waves do sigh"
The reference to Phoebus is well placed and effective, nicely done. 'when call' the gulls for whiter shores - feels a little 'stumbly'. I don't think it's technically incorrect, but it could be more slick. Overall your command of language is very strong.
"alone, and Nature’s host of souls bemoans
thy spirit’s journey home--- When I hath gone
to nether lands, to shores unbreach’d, alone,
to seek thee once again; and fain the dawn"
The repeat of the word 'fain' is a little tedious, but the quatrain is well written. You're consistent with your archaisms the whole way through and I'm beginning to see the bigger story.
"doth hasten on, but thou assured be:
though die I shall, I will remember thee."
Do you mean 'and fain the dawn doth hasten on', or just 'doth hasten on'. I'm not comfortable with either. 'But thou assured be' sounds forced and un-English (but you assured be).
There you go, an honest critique. I really, really enjoyed reading this. You have an enormous talent.
Cheers.
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Nonexistent god, I love honesty. I've taken this all into consideration -- my professor said almost the exact same things you did, though I have yet to sit down and take the time to revise this.
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All thinking people are atheists. Would you mind taking a look at one of mine (it's rare to find someone who can write a good sonnet).
http://allpoetry.com/poem/4047829
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Will do! I'll read it now, but I'm going to bed soon & will most likely leave a constructive comment in the morning, because today has completely taxed my brain.
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Ta.
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Interesting write, I see what you were going for with your structure, I am afraid you may be a bit offbase. But I am unbiased and will look over it numerous times before my decision.
so good luck in the contest -
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If you don't like it, feel free to remove it.
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I admire you for trying to write a sonnet, seeing how people have let go of the beauty in a sonnet form.. However, even though you got the iambic pentameter right for the most part, I don't understand why sentence structure has to be massacred to make it a sonnet.
Poetry shouldn't be forced, and sentence structure shouldn't be massacred.
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Yeah, I see what you mean. It was meant to have a continuous flow with the enjambment and all, though I don't see how sentence structure's 'massacred' here. Elaborate, perhaps? Thanks a ton for the honesty!
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ok...Sonnets not really my subject but i will say that I love the old worls style and it kept me reading...I can not critique style or subject....but this was a single rose given to a beautiful women by her love...
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roflzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
n u freakin col it POETRY...ahem...v well *appaluz*
roflzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...................................
if dis is wot a freakin ass f 18 has done..i feel proud 2 b doin DAT wrk at 12..
roflzzzzzzzzzz -
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I could perhaps take you somewhat seriously if you didn't write like a mentally retarded baboon on speed. I'm not offended, but perhaps if your claims were actually grounded in truth, I wouldn't be laughing so hard.
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I seriously didn't even undestand what she said.
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I fuckin lol'd.
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I can't recall. (No number listed).
OK. Sonnets.
2x4 lines of double-barrelled proposition or situation, and two times three lines of solution or progression. Miltonian variations of juncture of meaning not expected.
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OK. One has taken a liberty with hyphenation. Might one not better have had to "when fall/the boughs have been"? Same syllablisation, no hyphenation. [I certainly use hyphenation at times, but rarely point out, not after "Ode To The West Wind", and Byron's 11 syllable lined sonnets, my utilisation of the Sonnet form, not on AP I do not.]
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"its deed I own to still" might pack more meaning and be less obscure.
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"Phoebus'" has 3 syllables, thanks to the hidden "s". Hmm......Byron! Come down like an ass, serene upon the fold!! [The metre of that famous poem of his requires the reading of "Assyrean" as "ass-se-rene" rather than "ass-sire-ee-an", something I am sure that author knew all too well).
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Nice break at line 8-9: carry over but stand alone as well.
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The efef as an eeee rhyme is good. But may one suggest "shores' unbreached zones" may be better, as re-evoking the "unexpurgated love" of the first stanza (Please: stanzalise, and thou wilt it be so, for the reader's sake, if not thy own.)? One may. And did.
(again)
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And the shores be "unbreach'd", why seek there? Hmmm....
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Word order, a la Latin: "though die shall I". Again a multiplication of meaning, and therefore of poetic potency.
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This piece did well to touch meye Roam and Tic bent pent these years long past.
Double.
But why the ellipsis mid line 10? Didst not seemeth it right, punctuation to use?
Master Anarchy.
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According to some website I found, "Phoebus" is two syllables. Stupid site. Then again, I suppose a one-syllable variation isn't so bad.
I like the suggestion about the "shores' unbreached zones," but "zone" is an incredibly ugly word that I don't think fits. Thanks so much; I'll definitely keep this in consideration & perhaps find a synonym for 'zone.'
You're helpful
-hiraeth -
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One tries, two be helpful.
It was the possessive apostrophe which added the extra syllable, "Phoebus' " - the three apostrophes ran together, but the "hidden s" statement should have clued you in. Anyway, onto another zone of discussion.
If it don't feel right, don't slip it in, they say. And I can but agree. Rather than a synonym for "zones", one might prefer to look again for an alternative to "alone", which was itself a seeking for a betterment of rhyme to "bemoans".
OK. Non-fricative dental consonantal, feminine rhyme (or two words of one syllable) to "bemoans". [Rest of axiomata omitted in favour of reflection...]
....souls bemoans
thy spirit’s journey home--- When I hath gone
to nether lands, to shores unbreach’d, alone,
to seek thee once again;...
might become
...souls bemoans
thy spirit’s journey home--- When I hath gone
to nether lands, to shores unbreach’d by one's
seeking thee again;...
More than one way to skin a cat.
Revolve, and I shall return;
Evolve, and you shall never;
Devolve, and we both may learn,
With Awl Dew Respect,
Master "Bucket" Anarchy.
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I think this is a terrific start. Very nobel in it's context. It does get a bit wordy and can greatly bennifit from the access words that can be omited. Just a thought.
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*Chuckles* I like this piece. Rhyming is amazing; and your imagery is incredible. I like the "When I hath gone/to nether lands, to shores unbreach’d, alone...the dawn/doth hasten on, but thou assured be:/though die I shall, I will remember thee."
I know you said you like constructive criticism, but at the moment, I can't think of a way to knock at this piece to improve it at all. I really like it just the way it is.
Best of luck in the contest, and God Bless!
-Vivian
(And thanks. This entry really speaks to me in a totally different way than criticism could. The outpouring of support these past two weeks was amazing: thanks for being part of it.)
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Outstanding
The first change I would suggest is getting rid of some of the inversions e.g. when I am old,I will not forget thee, I shall die. You then need to make some changes to sort out the rhymes why not bemoan to get a clearer rhyme with alone. Maybe:
The northern star must fade, boughs start to fall
to create a clearer rhyme with call- you can then add a new idea at the beginning of the next line. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices in sonnets to keep the form accurate. Overall I think this poem has a lot of possibilities and I liked the tone and flow of ideas. Hope this is helpful to you.
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Thank you-- this was very helpful, especially the bit about inversions. Looking back on it, I invert my sentences far too often, even in scholarly essays... I suppose it's a byproduct of what I study and my other languages. Thanks a ton for pointing it out; I'll definitely keep the syntax in mind when revising this!
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[Rhyme and Meter Workshop]
I like this poem, which may come as a surprise to some in the Rhyme and Meter group (I suggest you not "lead with your chin" — people will find their own excuses to criticize with no assistance from you :-)
You seem to get along with meter very well. Your rhythm is smooth and consistent. Whether it's iambic pentameter might be debatable. You've broken the lines into five metric feet, but the use of enjambment throughout makes the line breaks artificial. In a way, you start out in ballad form (iambic tetrameter alternating with iambic trimeter).
When OLD am I and FAIN would DIE,
I WILL not THEE forGET.
In English, iambic pentameter is just the right line length to express a complete thought. It's a worthy goal to try to make each line a complete sentence (or at least a complete clause). While it's perfectly acceptable to use enjambment here and there, if it's used throughout the poem, you lose that contemplative pause that typically lets the reader take a breath at the end of each line before continuing.
That said, I enjoy the free flow of the poem even as you maintain the correct number of iambs in a line.
You're intentionally writing in an archaic style. While I am quick to point out places where people writing in contemporary style slip into trite language in order to stick a rhyme in the correct place ("She was my cous/ in love I was"), maintaining an old-fashioned style throughout works well, here; I won't get too hot-and-bothered about lines like "I will / not thee forget."
As a sonnet, then, there are a couple of things I would encourage you to think about:
1) Try making each line a complete thought (not necessarily a complete sentence, but a single complete idea or image). If you look at Shakespeare's sonnets, he didn't achieve this 100% of the time, but those exceptions prove the rule.
2) English sonnets commonly have a volta, where the theme of the poem takes a sharp turn, almost a reversal, in the third quatrain or sometimes in the final couplet.
3) While you set out to write a sonnet, you began the poem in ballad verse. You might try writing this poem again in ballad verse, and see if it feels more natural to you.
As I said, I like this poem very much. I enjoy your imagery, the consistent flow, the internal rhyme and assonance. For me, this poem is a complete success. My suggestions deal only with form, not with the individual merit of this poem.
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Thank you so much for the helpful comment! I know it's not exactly "traditional" in the sense of the usual turnaround (thanks for the proper terminology, a volta) at the third stanza & I love enjambment waaaaay too much. It's such a bad habit, I know, that one writing teacher of mine encouraged. I can't break away from it, but I'm trying.
I'm certainly going to be revising this when I have a spare moment. Thanks again for your honesty!
-hiraeth
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