"She loves me, she loves me not"
a constant turn
of a repeating record
on archaic 45 inches
that long nights of
black-and-white marathons
and Bogart impersonations
left as
the one in charge.
"She loves me, she loves me not"
The lazy Wednesday hung in the air as
the few roses laid rejected and naked
and the scarlet fewer
waited for
the grip of confusion
adoration
and unexplained elation.
"She loves me, she loves me not"
He breathes
catches it in midair
and breathes again.
It's some mantra
from a tattered philosopher.
A jumble of SAT words and semicolons
strewn like newsprint confetti.
What the thinking man
wanted to impart on the world
was, sadly, lost
but the ardent boy
found it peacefully coexisting
with roses doing
a daisy's job.
"She loves me, she loves me not"
Slowly, they came together.
The tousled petals, the painted clouds
the Hollywood endings, and the unnatural thinkings.
The now soft light eased the sharp edges
of rationale
and he caught his breath, as it lingered
and he ran
with a pocket full of grey petals.
Author notes
picture and philosophy
its really not that long, I just use short lines
A contest entry
- Amaze Me With Your Talent, Impress Me With Your Skill by Death of the Author.
875 points, ended March 10, 2008, 40 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Turn those greenies into Gold (or silver or bronze) pt 5 by whispernthedark.
660 points, ended September 20, 2008, 20 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Do you like the title? Does it flow?
Comments
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Is the scarlet fewer supposed to be scarlet fever? That was the only part that kept tripping me up. Other than that part, this is an excellent write, I really love it. Thank you for entering the contest, good luck.
♥
whisper
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Hmm my immediate reaction to the first three lines is I don't like the repetition of record so quickly, maybe
"the constant turn
of a repeating record
on an archaic 45" sounds better
I like "lazy Wednesday"
and "naked" roses, though the way you worded "and the even fewer", in fact to some extent the whole piece was a bit distracting.
"strewn like streamers and confetti" - good line, though I'm not sure the line beneath is necessary. Again that goes for some other lines throughout the piece which you could have written a lot less wordy and have them say more.
"roses doing
a daisy's job" - favourite line, just...awesome.
Good ending too.
Overall I enjoyed the piece...it just didn't have that...spark, that something special to set it out from the rest. Please feel free to edit it and let me know if you do because this shows some good potential.
Oh and the length isn't a problem at all so don't worry
I appreciate your entry, good luck and take care! x
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Yeah, I need to go back and edit. It was my first poem in a while, so it was nice to get it out.
I didn't even notice the repetition of "record", thanks for pointing that out.
I def need to cut this down, but thank you for reading and commenting -
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I wouldn't cut it down, it just needs...streamlining.
Yeah I repeat words often and don't notice, I think it's easier if to see if you haven't written the poem yourself. Take care x
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