Through swirling windmills
random words bobble brightly
in the air,falling
in freaky circles
that shout almost silently
I'm cominatcha like a steam train
and in a moment I catch my breath
as the sudden impact of a thought
impacts the side of my head
and leaves a brittle pain
that cannot be dislodged
by a measley tylenol, so I took
the bottle and waited.
A contest entry
- Listen....Write.... by aslanlight.
1500 points, ended March 7, 2008, 3 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Does this fit the category
Comments
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Choo-Choo-Charming,
Powerful, I didn't listen, but I did read. Your metaphor is wonderful, It made me feel like I was watching and listening to the train run into you. The 'words' of the windmill shout silently - IMCOMINATCHA---WOW, what an expression of your feelings, A word falls from a windmill then transforms into a speeding train through your poem. Awesome. congrats on the silver.
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I like that this resembles the "train of thought" without bringing up the concept. That would obviously make the whole thing cliche but since you avoided that, this comes off rich and unique. Nice job.
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Expressive
I'm listening to 'Elastic Inverted Visions' now and I can clearly see where you're coming from. The 'swirling windmills' really capture the feeling of the part where the guitars join the introduction. Then when the rythm gets going your train description's perfect! I can see why it speaks to you of pain though it gives me more of an energetic ambient experience.
Peace Georgia
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Well what a write my friend
This was not what I expected it to be
but it was wonderful
talk about and ending you closed this very clearly
Great job Good luck in your contest.
delane
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