Far away from the world we hide,
upon our face, a mask of lies,
deep within ourselves reside.
Hoping for one in whom to confide,
trying to break these binding ties,
far away from the world we hide.
The masks are painted, our skin is dyed,
and to ourselves, we say our goodbyes.
Deep within ourselves reside.
Even in ourselves, we need a guide,
and nothing we do will open eyes.
Far away from the world we hide.
We stay in our masks due to stupid pride
when, even in truth, we dream for the skies.
Deep within ourselves reside.
Our minds take us back, lock us inside.
Our masks come forward as our true self dies.
Far away from the world we hide,
deep within ourselves reside.
A contest entry
- Rhymed prewrites only ... by ecrivain01.
750 points, ended November 14, 2008, 61 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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As villanelles go this is less tedious than most, but the wandering syllable counts don't do a lot, in my mind, to recommend it... Ecrivain, it seems, gives you a thumbs up, so that's good.
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It's a villanelle ...
and not a bad job either.
Thanks for entering. -
Don't quote me on this, but I am pretty sure this is probably a Villanelle. It seems to have the qualifications of one.
Anyway, your rhyme is way off; you have too many syllables in a lot of the lines for the rhyme of this poem to flow correctly. You need to cut down on your wording to get the flow right. Just a bit of advice, because your poem is slightly difficult to read seeing as the flow keeps jumping everywhere due to your wording.
Other than that, I really like the idea in your piece. Your descriptions provoke a vivid picture and it speaks volumes. We all wear masks we hide behind; we all fear something bad will happen if we are viewed for who we really are, therefore we only show parts of who we are. It is hard to get past those fears.
Thank you for your entry. -
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Thanks for your advice. I think you are right about the Villanelle. I looked it up and that sounds like what it was. I rewrote parts of it. Would you mind looking at it again and seeing if it flows better?
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Flows a lot nicer, though some of the longer lines still make it a tiny bit awkward. Better though.
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i l,ove this siisy
its amazeing well done
good luck with this
blessed be
i love you
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