At five past six your key is in the door
I hear it turn my heart begins to skip.
Your laptop bag is thrown across the floor
And with your coat begins your evening strip.
At five past eight I'm waiting for a drink,
The dancing girls cannot approach before.
The first stage-dancer gives a sexy wink,
I look at those who prowl the strip club floor.
We kiss, of course, our passions start to grow
I squeeze your bum before you tear away.
There comes a mighty stirring from below
Your jacket's off but it's not time for play.
The girl I love the most will start the fun -
She laughs and strips and fills my heart with glee.
I wonder if she'd like to be the one
Who does this every evening just for me.
With dinner gone your skirt and blouse are too
The music plays and for dessert is me.
Your bra comes off, I want the best of you,
The job is done and then you set me free.
As she disrobes she makes me want so much
While draping parts of her all over me.
Its tough the rule is look but never touch
But everything she has is there to see.
The lady knows that she has got it right
And with her naked lover spends the night
Author notes
Erotic challenge entry to the theme "Strip tease" Two Shakespearian sonnets sharing a final couplet. Read either or both together.
In a list
A contest entry
- "Two sisters" - a celebration. by Vera Rich.
425 points, ended May 2, 36 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I too think this is a great pair of sonnets, and I am torn with which presentation I prefer them in, but I think that having them seperate is pleasing and less confusing for me personally. The only pause I had with my reading of these sonnets is the line: "The music plays and for dessert is me"
Just stumbles for me there.
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Yes, I like the interwoven aspect of the sonnets, and I don't think they need to be presented separately. There's quite an interesting contrast between the second person of the first, and the third person of the second, if you see what I mean. The second one is more of an erotic fantasy than the first, and interweaving them kind of points up this contrast. Good.
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Jeff, I think I ought to amplify my previous comment. Unlike our judge, perhaps, I am very used to your style, and to your language. "Demotic" is a good word for it - it is the lingo of the man on the Clapham omnibus.
To my mind, you should have let it stand as it was - interwoven and with the shared couplet, and without the two laid out as separate poems as well. That might have put you further down the ladder in the contest, but it would have made far more artistic sense.
Well done anyway.
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This is a very clever entry... However, although there is some contrast of venue, I do find the two poems perhaps a little too close in theme for this particular competition. Also, although I appreciate the need here for demotic language, the over-all effect is, for me, a little flat. But PLEASE do not remove it from the competition - there will be further points coming to you in due course.
NB It should be "It's" not "Its" in line 11 of the second sonnet. Do remember to disable your spell-check - as otherwise it is liable to introduce such false "corrections". -
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I never blame the spell check all such errors are mine.
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This was fantastic captain. I loved the structure and the hot images you conjured up for us all. Damn fine work poet!!! Loved the fact that you combined two sonnets. That shows a lot of skill!
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Congratulations, Jeff. Your skill with both rhyme and form poetry is amazing and you still keep the words entertaining, titillating even
Margaret
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Thank-you praise from the praiseworthy is always worth getting!
I greatly enjoyed writing it, and reading all the other hot entries! It is proving a fun contest so far I wonder what Master Ktulu has in store for us all next!
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This
is
a
great
poem.
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Beautifully Detailed Write
This is a very clever erotic read; I just happen to read all the blue writing then the brown. I see you done this perfectly. Jeff you are am amazing poet. Excellent writing......novy
. Rewarded 4
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good luck with the contest quite a clever writ very good last rhymed couplet VERY STRONG WRITE thanks for sharing regards zaj
. Rewarded 4
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lol! You and your sonnets ~shaking head~
Spelling and grammar = 20
presentation = 20
originality = 20
'grab me' effect = 20
overall = 20
TOTAL = 100
You had me sitting here with my lips to the edge of my tea cup waiting to sip it the entire read
You have managed to capture a striptease in this write of yours as it should be: a tease, not the whole hog
congratulations on your perfect score from ALL the judges
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Bloody clever! Oh you evil little s*d... where did you dig this up from? Win the contest!
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OOOOOH yeah can we share? That reminds me a trip to 'Foxy's' is long over due... grins blush yeah ok I enjoy erotic dance clubs so??? Awesome write, Cap'n
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i'm impressed here, you not only met the challenge but added a bit more to the challenge by writing this in sonnets.
spelling and grammar=20
presentation=20
originality=20
how well you handled the challenge=20
overall=20
total=100 -
I do have to agree with Master here, I am impressed witht he format, the detail, and the way these sonnets roll together or can be read indvidual..I must say this must have took some time to prepare and it shows.
NO need in a break down on this one.
Im behind Master 100%....
A score of 100....Congrats to you on this score and best of luck in the challenge.
Passions
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BRAVO Jeff...
I applaud you in a standing ovation for this. Well done with this..
Your theme is well presented and I have read this 3 times...both sonnests seperately and then together..
Great job!
spelling/grammar - 20
presentation - 20
originality - 20
how well you handled challenge - 20
overall - 20
_____________________________
Total -100
**Master Ktulu** -
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I am delighted that you read it all three ways, it was important to me that the individual sonnets worked, otherwise the form was a waste of time. Originally it was going to have sonnets by all four participants, but theat made each story two cut up.
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mmmmm.... wicked thoughts are dancing through my head right now...
the visuals on this piece are beyond words... wonderful job Jeff... I expect nothing less
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Witch lady is me then jeff.
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