There’s no reason
to keep my hooded eyes
on that old shelf
in the backyard
where nothing but
wiregrass and asps grow,
but I leave them there
sometimes
to let them talk,
sharp-toothed
with the April rains.
Their gossip gets lost
and misted
somewhere in the pine trees
where the asters all
turn gray with age,
and things
come back full and red
and sharp
with the stories of
wolves and flowers.
Author notes
I've been working on this for a while now, and it didn't turn out at all like I thought it would...
A contest entry
- for those of you I actually like by zillion.
1100 points, ended March 5, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Speak your mind.
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I'm always enchanted by synesthesia and decadence (the asters) but the last stanza loses me. I saw a connection with nature/a memory/something...grow and fade but I don't get where it turns in the end. Also, I did not like the re-use of sharp (obviously different meaning but repetetive) I found the final image of wolves and flowers to be weak especially after starting with wiregrass and asps but I can not condem it since i'm lost by that point. Clearly higher quality work than the most the trite on this site.
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WOW!!!
all i can say is wow. and it'll be ok. love gypsyfish
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I do really like your poem. A very interesting idea to have your eyes talk and gossip. I especially like the line: "let them talk sharp toothed with the rain." A very interesting line, and different.
I do have a few critical things to say. Hope you don't mind.
In line one "hooded eyes" is pretty trite. I am sure you could think of another adjective that would improve the line. The asp line makes me wonder where you live!
I think the line "and things comes back" should be "and things COME back, since thing is plural and not singular.
I know it looks like I am really ragging on this poem, but not really. I truly enjoyed reading it and think it very creative.
~ Joyce
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Doesn't sound like you're ragging at all - I actually love it when people share their ideas and challenge mine!
That's part of what a peer group of poets should do! 
Thanks for catching the typo. Hm, "hooded" is a remnant from a previous draft of this poem, which was centered a bit more on the idea of little red riding hood...you're right, it might need a bit more care. Thanks for sharing your ideas! I really appreciate it!
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I love wolves. Probably my favorite animal, so I love the mixture of them with flowers. Very deep. I've always wondered what nature would say if it could talk.
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Well, I like the imagery as usual. I cannot really tell where it's going but perhaps if I check out the contest I'll understand more. The line breaks were perfect and the flow was smooth. Another great write by you...Trina
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