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Consider Me Dead








Provoking a failure, this life is a waste
In endless procedures so uselessly chased
Time ticks on slowly as all drifts away
You can't steal my heartbeats, if I die today

Impressions of madness, you think I'm insane
Out-casted, abandoned, existence in vain
Prolific convictions that torture my soul
Strangled with disorders as life takes its toll

Moments collected and vaguely defined
Will to move forward withdrawn from my mind
I've stepped back; staring at lines that I've crossed
We're not together, so it's just my loss

Frantic conceptions that strain every face
Caught in a spiral from love that's erased
Perfecting fragments as edges defile
Addicted to yearning as love is on trial

Movements stray backwards, progress in decline
Abundance of ideas that can't be combined
To form flawless planning of tension's caress
And elude the failure that causes distress

So, back to existence; the fraud of our lives
Where noble and devious don't live; they survive
And constant debasement decides who I am

But darling, you know that I don't give a damn






Author notes

Picture Inspiration: RedFraction@Deviantart.com

In a list

A contest entry

Now you tell me:

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 74 of 74

  • Loveandblessings2u gold member
    June 13
    Edit | Reply
    lol you go girl...

    granny


  • whispernthedark Greeters member
    November 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Amazing, although I don't like looking in the mirror so early in the morning. Great write, thank you for entering the contest. Good luck.

    ♥
    whisper


  • SignifyingNothing
    August 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is really great, not a single forced rhyme that I could detect, and quite powerful too. Congratulations on the trophies, they were well-deserved. Thank you for entering.


  • amaranthine lover gold member
    July 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This is well written! Thanks for sharing!


  • BehindTheShadow
    July 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I absolutely loved this piece! Bravo!

  • ecrivain01
    July 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Not bad ...

    but you don't need the "ed" on "outcast", nor the hypen. Otherwise, this is a credible job. I like the last line.


  • Lady Michaella
    July 5, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Thanks for entering! A great interpretation of the picture!


  • Lady Michaella
    July 5, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Thanks for entering! A great interpretation of the picture!


  • crystallynnbradford
    June 16, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow


  • Roaddog Wolf
    May 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    excellent piece

    of writing. the flow was good and the rhyme was supperb and unforced, good write

    Thank you for this entry and good luck in the contest

  • DarkRomantic113
    April 19, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Really loved this poem...tugged at the heartstrings.


  • Bazza
    April 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A very clear and concise, precise poem that shows wisdom and maybe some cynicism but certainly enough to make one think and really, that is the underlying message.Congratulations on the gold and to the other place getters and those who submitted so many great entries.


  • Amalie
    March 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I loved this! This poem has such a good rythm to it. The flow is just simply amasing.You should be really proud! Good Job!!!


  • Peachy
    March 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I loved the flow and rhyme, you write very well.
    Great imagery and emotions wrapped together, which can be hard to do.
    Great Write(I especially love the last line)!


  • xxRainbowDawnxx
    March 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oooh I love this poem its fabulous... very big font hehe but its nice. I just can't pinpoint one bit I like, it's all absolutely fantastic!


  • Akimbo
    March 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Fabulous!

    Really well written... enjoyed the read immensely.
    My only (teensy) criticism would be that the last line of the third verse could use two more syllables to match the others.
    I really thought this was great though, very intelligent and splendidly crafted.
    Well deserved recognition... hope Spain is treating you well,
    Bravo,
    Kj

    • Never Fall in Love
      March 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you very much
      The last line in stanza 3 ... I'm sorry, but I don't see any deficiency of syllables I don't do these by syllable count but I checked the count to make sure and they seem fine. Perhaps, when you read it, you stumbled on 'together'? I tend to do that myself - but thanks


      • Akimbo
        March 15, 2008

        Edit | Reply
        My apologies
        You are right and I am wrong.
        (don't know what I was thinking)
        Kj


  • individuality gold member
    March 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    a good poem, i enjoyed the rhyme - i like rhyming poetry here and there to read and write bit i prefer non rhyming that said the flow here was natural and easy. a good poem.

  • Lynda Michelle
    March 10, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    this is an amazing piece of work! it defintely deserved the Gold <3! i loved the way the words pulled me in it made me feel... what you were talking about.


  • Ryno
    March 10, 2008

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    Wow! A very capturing and luring piece... just grasps at us and pulls us in. Loved the last line and the contrast to the rest of the poem.

    No wonder this won Gold Congrats!

    Ryan


  • Re-invention silver member
    March 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    wow!

    this poem somehow sugested me to stop hurting myself the way i do... and yet it made me get lost in the words.... its like tellnig amovie through words.... love your work here. you made sure every words was safetly concrete and the rhyme was better than ive ever read.. i congradulate you...


  • vena sera
    March 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    really love this one. a lot of ur poetry remind me of how i feel.. i really like ur style. I enjoy readin ur poetry and im favoriting u XD

  • Suzanne Dia
    March 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply


    I love the attitude at the end of this. It gives life to sadness and makes it feel much more passionate.



    Nicely done, (and it rhymed and I didn't hate it!)




    • Never Fall in Love
      March 6, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      thank you
      lol, I do write free verse as well - rhyme is my favourite but rare these days


  • bleedingheart91
    March 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Lost on words.

    I really am lost. It made me think. Im not that smart of a person, but.. im gonna take a guess, your poem was about love.. heart break.. Uh... Something in those books. Heh, Sorry, im in a to weird of mood to fully understand something today, but i liked it. I liked it's ryhm (SP?) Sceme. ^-^

  • DyingSlowlyInside
    March 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    v. good


  • SugarCandyKittyKat
    March 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I love the picture...and oh,what a piece...it tears at the heart...

  • Kaykay02
    March 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Excellent


  • RedwingSpirit silver member
    March 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Impressive write This is very well written great flow and rhyme. Thank you for taking the time to enter this poem into my contest I wish you the best of luck. RedwingSpirit


  • Suicide Hotline
    February 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i really love the last line. lol. it gives a shock. and more emotion to this poem. i love it becouse your like in this place and then you say, back to exisrence and that gives us another thing to focus on and thats a great way from changing the path way of the poem.


  • Faithinlove
    February 27, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    this is deep

    Ive been feeling the same things for days and wow this is an amazing way to state your feelings


  • HailTheHeartBreaker
    February 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Woot woot

    Wow, this is pretty wonderful. I love the rhyme scheme and you did an excellent job conveying your point.

    The last line is incredible.

    <3 Brandon


  • i-am-your-last-love
    February 27, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    wow this is a touching poem...sounds like my life


  • ParadoxFry
    February 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    First off, let me say that this kind of poem really isn't my thing.
    Personally, I find rhyming to be funny, or silly. I have a hard time taking a rhyming piece seriously. Too many nursery rhymes, and limerics for me, I suppose.

    Apart from the fact that I don't like 'serious' rhyming... your rhymes were quite well selected. Nothing drives me quite as mad as "Cat sat hat" rhyming. Your word selection was quite nice.

    I also found the piece does quite a lot of 'telling' it's very concrete, and doesn't really venture into the abstract. There isn't a lot of imagry.

    This piece really isn't for me on a lot of levels, but for what it is, it is well constucted.


  • layla.
    February 27, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    LOVED the beat and the rhythm and "fuck decency"


    • Never Fall in Love
      February 27, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I just think you're a madwoman


      • layla.
        February 27, 2008

        Edit | Reply
        psbht i just think you is jealous ' coz you is not!!! hahaha i laughs at me own jokes!


        • Never Fall in Love
          February 27, 2008
          Edit | Reply
          I don't need to be a madwoman - there are more intense words... - for example those in mental asylums?


  • SilencefillsMySoul
    February 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Great work

    First, I want to say that the picture is fantastic. I love the imagery you used in writing this piece. I feel like the poem is alive..screaming to be heard.

    Nicely done

  • Zyskandar A Jaimot
    February 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    good luck with this contest picture is good match with the poem good title very strong beginning very impressive end [but what if the trains stop running? ha! but then the 'tobacco smoking' will probably get her eventually ] this was the most impressive stanza among several:"Impressions of madness, you think I'm insane
    Out-casted, abandoned, existence in vain
    Prolific convictions that torture my soul
    Strangled with disorders as life takes its toll" good rhyme scheme as in the first read did not notice it thanks for sharing regards zaj


  • Nermin Nazim
    February 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Speechless I am

    It is so rich with meaning and words and metaphors and it sucked me in the whirlpool of my own conflict-full life, and i say i will rise again and fight but you are right to look at it at the end, life seeps away

  • SueRee
    February 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Very GOOD!

    You give us a caustic and vivid description of the fractured pieces of a frustrated mind. The line "flawless planning of tension's caress" is a wonderful picture of the lingering, teasing stresses of distress in our lives. Thank you for venting so eloquently!


  • MysticalRayne
    February 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is absolutely beautiful dear. Best of luck in the contest. As usual your writes always amaze me


  • Lady Patricia
    February 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Its a breath of fresh air

    To read something that doesnt feel overdone, overplayed, overwritten, and repetitive.

    very graciously

    i thank you


  • wolfpuppy
    February 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    sweet poem


  • wolfpuppy
    February 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    this poem fits my life


  • Happy Heart gold member
    February 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Wow!

    This write is extremely deep.... but very good!


  • Laura Lamarca gold member
    February 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Too many lines for me to pick just one...this is an amazing poem...amazing I say!!!


  • luna-midnight gold member
    February 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow! great write, hmmm it kinda seems to be going thru my head again and again, im in one of those moods, but for me screw that last line cuase its not happening for me right now =P
    but i love it in the poem, lovely job, and good luck!
    take care
    stephnaie =)


  • MissyMouse
    February 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Love it.

    Very nice word choice, lovely picturem perfect ryhme sceme.


  • Death of the Author
    February 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Ahh firstly - I love the picture it is AWESOME.

    I think I may be extra-critical of you here, just because it's a contest, I will give you a super thorough comment!

    It's nice to see you rhyming again (god knows I appreciate it after all the free verse I have had in the contest so far) and it's good to see that you haven't lost any of that wonderful ability of yours that you've been shunning to write 13 word poems instead!

    You know how I usually have a problem with the flow in your pieces? Well not in this one, to me it is spot on.

    Love the lines (hard to choose to be honest):

    You can't steal my heartbeats, if I die today

    Addicted to yearning as love is on trial

    Where noble and devious don't live; they survive

    but more than any of those the last line is just PERFECT. And I'm glad because sometimes your last lines disappoint me a little (only cos I know you are more capable than that).

    OK the criticism now - maybe just maybe you have used too many commas, especially in the middle of lines.

    "And elude the failures that causes distress"

    if it is failures then causes should be cause
    if it is causes then failures should be failure

    But that's it...that's all I can say against your piece. I love it, one of your best I am sure. So glad to see it in my contest, thanks for entering! Take care x

    • Never Fall in Love
      February 26, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      First of all - thankies for the lovely comment - criticism is always important
      You're right about the commas and so I've removed a few in some of the lines. You know my grammar is poor - so I've chosen 'failure' - as life may have a lot of failures - but it sure is one failure on it's own

      I'm way too happy that you liked it - do you know HOW many different peices I've written? lol ♥


  • x--nocturnia--x
    February 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    fascinating... talented and impressive - you did this well! Very well...


  • warm winter tears
    February 25, 2008
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    holly wow !

    thats a really kool one !


  • parachute fog
    February 25, 2008
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    yeah, deserves the win.


  • Kari gold member
    February 25, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I thought of the song
    " My Give A damn is busted " when I read this lol.
    Don't worry, they think you're insane but in the end they are!

1 - 74 of 74