Watch it
My loneliness only revealing it self in typed words
I don't speak it
Because you don't care
I let a little slip out now and then
like a bait dangling at the end of a fishing line
But you didn't bite
Watch it
I go deeper and deeper into myself
locking the doors of emotions behind me
leaving a cold outer shell
leaving a...
leaving something that...I always feared I'd be
Watch it
Maybe you could stop me...
A contest entry
- Something Different by Exodus.
525 points, ended March 10, 2008, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Will you please tell me what you think? Constructive Criticism is greatly appreaciated!
Comments
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This was interesting. It kind of had a withdrawn feeling to it while the same being completely open. I'm making no sense
Safe to say it caught my attention
Thank you -
It was the title that caught my attention.
I think you have a good idea going on here. I just think it should be more wry. I can feel the edgy, almost hopeless trainwreck feel. I just wish there was more of it. And I'm not sure what you meant the last line to feel like. But I felt as though it was a taunt. A type of 'I dare you' directed at the reader.
Nice work overall, I like it.
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I've been waiting for a comment like this forever. Thank you so much for takin the time to critique it! Agh...my brain quit on me at the end and the contest said it was supposed to be a stream of consciousness so I just left it as it was.
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