Sinful kisses but still like holy palmer's kiss
Rain down in a cruel parody of love
Where flesh is heated with internal flames
None could explain
Save Him.
The Morningstar devours like the fire he is
Burning all in its wake.
None could survive his pleasure
Yet I could never deny him
And to take him in my arms was
To know Death and Life fighting for supremacy.
His whispers burn the flesh
Scalding, stirring lava through the veins
As our passion consumes completely.
"I am your Morningstar."
His flaming words sensitize my skin
Talented hands playing damning songs
Upon His instrument, my body
Until I could never see right and wrong again
Without seeing the reddened haze of that night.
"I am your Morningstar," He repeats, flames licking over my skin
Until I collapse, seducted, taken over.
Those damned hands still playing with me
He leans over, his words ringing in my ear,
"But still, you are my sin."
I awaken, still alive,
my sheets and bed clothes smoldered.
Author notes
I don't know if this'd be considered 'erotica', per se, but more of a sensual piece.....
"I am your morningstar and you are my sin"
~~Kali
A contest entry
- A contest with a purpose by GarbageCan.
1225 points, ended March 17, 2008, 12 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Hmmmish......
Comments
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First off as I have said to all contestants, thank you for entering. Now critiquing.I would first like to say very well done, this gave me goose bumps even in skimming over this it had that effect merely with the way that you used my line. I must say that I am highly impressed.Okay now the critiquing >.> Honestly this is a poem where there is not much for me to say. As a free verse poem is naturally has that character of being free from line length, beat, rhymn and stanza. To my personal tastes a few lines were a bit long nad overly wordy but for the most part that worked to your advantage. However, word choice could have been a bit better. Youa re obviously a VERY talented poet and could I see who you are I am sure that it would reveal to you have won many contests. In poetry, however, all we have are words, and while your emotion and imagry is there the words aren't always. Most of your choices are rather simplistic, most poets are now a days, even my own work can be at times. Regardless, it is my personal beliefe that you have more talent and more potential and as such could expand a few words to become more expressive. For example in line 8 you say the word "pleasure" you could expand upon this. Obviously it is a pleasureable thing he is doing, but as Morningstar in most religions he is well known for his temptation and devious acts. Yes he is claiming you but is is still his greatest temptation, using that word, "temptation," draws the reader in further to know what this is about. As I said previously a few of the lines are a bit to long to my liking. In most cases this is not bad making this more a suggestion, or a chance to improve upon your imagry. Take line 6 "the Morningstar devours like the fire he is" we under stand that there is passion and heat there, however to me this line seems more humorous thuis taking away from the peice. It gives me an image of a big fire man "playing his games" upon you. Personally I would change this to make a statement then another line to provide imagrry adding to the peice. Such as
"The Morningstar davours like the fires of damnation" ~thus alluding to what he is, then continue
"his flames (or heat) nipping at the nap of my neck" a lot of n's but that's a poetic device and in my opinopn causes it to flow
Besides a few minor changes it was an amazing peice defiantly something I enjoyed. Now erotica but very sensual. Very srtistically done. Good job and thank you for sharing! Once again I am glad to ahve you in this contest.
~lamia -
geesh
talk about great job. definitely got me into it. and great imagry and thought that was put into this piece. not erotica and definitely perfect for this option. Good luck in the contest !!!!!
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wow, This was excellent. And no, This isn't Erotica. Atleast not the Erotica I've seen in some poems. This is just Sensual and nothing more. But it is an Outstanding kind of Sensual.
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excellent, i really liked this, no not erotica, but very sensual. perfectly suited to the title and all...it was goodgood
cheers,
Andrew
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