Trapped within shimmering temptation,
solemn echoes reverberate to the casual tick
[and clumsy tock]
of hands hammering the lament
of an inescapable, yet infinite,
fate:
A constant reminder, clawing at the sky
hanging over floor-drawn heads,
precisely calculating
[without consultation]
the most apt moment
to act upon an unmade wish,
as an invisible instigator of
order:
The perception of sense,
defined and divided
into days, weeks, months and years;
a man-made system
monopolised to guarantee
[nothing close to]
control:
The ability to deceive others by
[senselessly] attempting to prevent
the persistent turn
of a blue-green ball gown
and the accumulation of wrinkles
upon a weary forehead,
inevitably only able
to take solace in
nostalgia:
A misplaced feeling
[born from naivety]
cloaking facts
with half-“remembered” fancies,
to fight the futility of a past
in which we’ll live until we learn
to look to the
present:
Grains of sand
effortlessly washed away
within an hourglass tipped
[unceremoniously] on its side
spilling ink inlayed into
pre-drawn cracks
to whose elusion
we are continually
confined.
Author notes
A mix of them all really:
trapped came from the eyes
clawing came from the hand in 2 and trees in 10
"defining" time from 5
blue-green ball gown (meaning the Earth) came from the skirt the girl was wearing in 10...most things came from 10 or just my own thought.
Chandni doesn't like my long notes so if you want me to explain, message or comment lol. This was written quite quickly for me. Oh the structure is a definition for the preceeding word, the first stanza being the definition for the last word. I've said enough.
Option 1: Time
Sorry it's a little over the line limit, DQ if you want
In a list
A contest entry
- Time & Time Again by Never Fall in Love.
850 points, ended February 25, 2008, 26 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Finding Inspiration by animated lies.
1000 points, ended March 1, 2008, 9 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Invite For... HM winners Judged by RedwingSpirit.
475 points, ended April 7, 2008, 46 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best Prewrites From February 2008 by amaranthine lover.
3150 points, ended March 28, 2008, 36 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Suggestions?
Comments
1 - 62 of 62
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Yes. ;)
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It would be ...
inlaid, not inlayed. Also, I have reservations about elusion. Other than that, this is a good job. Congratulations on the trophies.
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How did I miss that one o.O
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Tremendous
with each reading this poem attains to more and more
brilliance,
this poem is a newborn star gleaming like mountain
snow-Regards yet once more- -
Gheesh ...
and I had the temerity to enter a contest where you'd posted this! Boy am I a dummy.
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This is a very creative work. I was very pleased to read it- with all your very unique style and open-handed wit. I applaud you madame. I think the theme was rather solid, with a few randoms thrown in the mix, to add flavor I assume. The structure was a but off in a few places and not consistent and I was very glad to see no rhyme- if you had done this in any rhyme form, it would've been very messy.
Also, I didn't mind the length- my rules were in place to avoid such droll poetry that just goes on and on and on... Anyway, I liked this, but I will probably give an award to a poem that has not won a trophy yet. One musn't get greedy now. But thank you for entering. -
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Thank you for your indepth comment, though that'll be monsieur not madame
I know what you mean about the droll poetry lol - this site is rather full of it!
And that's fair enough
take care x
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thank you for your entry.
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This is one heck of a write.....First time I read it I was like "What the hell did all that mean?" lol...
So I read it again, and again...It most definatley grew on me. Your vocabulary is stunning...
Thank you so much for this wonderful entry. It is most obvious that you put a lot of work into this piece. Great job.
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I like this a lot.
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Right now, tonight, this poem wasn't the best thing I've read. I think you know how to use words & have a great sense of word play, but I didn't get a pulse of a consistent theme through the whole poem.
I can tell you're a good enough poet that you didn't just write this "random" but your poem lost focus, to me.
You also learned too much on your brackets. I ended up more reading to see how you were going to use them, not to get the meaning of the poem. I think in this case, there's such thing as too much of a good thing.
You have talent, but you can either revise/enter something else if you wish. :]
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Thank you for your comment, it was refreshing compared to most...doobedoo I think this is my best free verse but I will try and find something else..
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well, the ideas dont really seem to go together. i feel its completely random. it has very nice expression and feeling though
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Please explain, how is this random?
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well, it was just a little confusing, is still liked it though.
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Fair enough, I can see that. I'll enter something else if you like?
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If you want to
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Anything you particularly like or is that an unfair advantage
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that might be an unfair advantage, any poem you think is your best.
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Damn it's already closed!
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sorry!
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It's ok
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Nice progression of thought with well placed brackets. Thank you for your entry. Peace, Liz
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Very nice... I like this. A LOT thank you for entering... you have a perfect score... welcome to the next round.
~lumin -
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Wow thank you x
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Congrats!
There's gold in them there words! You have moved the goal posts with this write... you are now writing intellectually, you are moving out of my sphere. U.F.I.
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mucho gracias!
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One of the things I always enjoy about your poetry is that you write on interesting, non-trite subjects. In fact, I haven't read alot of poetry about YOU. I mean, I'm sure you pour a bit of yourself into everything you write, but the fact that you are so inclined to look beyond your own little sphere alone puts you in another league and is a testimony to your (blatantly) good character.
Every bit of this is well emoted. Essentially, it's a discussion of a preoccupation with time and the eventual futility of that.. But, it's so eloquently done and laden with symbolism that the meaning comes almost as an afterthought - not missed, but second to the beauty and basic truth of your words.
I could point everything out that I liked but I'd be here all night, because honestly I enjoyed every bit (especially the slowly turning blue green ballgown imagery). It was good to the last drop. In fact, I'm calling you Folgers from now on.
Well done, Folgers. (Wow, that really does have an air of accomplishment about it, doesn't it?)
Much respect,
Kate
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That's fairly ironic as the next challenge for Teen Idol is to write a poem about myself. Eep I haven't even started!!!
I think this is one of my favourite pieces at the moment...maybe because it came about when I hadn't really been writing and it just seemed to work first time, rather than me trying for days to get it right.
Haha thanks x
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Excellent write this was very well written Congratulations on the Gold trophies.
Thank you for taking the time to enter this into my contest I wish you the best of luck
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Enjoyed the read...
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Overall this is extraordinary. You demonstrate a powerful expertise on the subject. Overall this is very creative and imaginative, well thought out and well executed poetry. The flow is great, I adore the form, the imagery is amazing and this definitely evokes so many emotions. Very nice job! I love this.
[And, we'll pretend this is truly anonymous.]
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Hahaha, cheers x
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Awesome awesome. My only critique is that "monopolised" should be "monopolized". Very well done, free-flowing composition. This is how I write most of the time so I can definitely relate. Each word flows into the next very well and completes a clever thought while doing so. Creative.
Thank you for entering my contest, quite sincerely.
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Ahh but I am English so it is an "s"!
Thanks for your comment and applause x
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This is absolutely awesome, a little complex for my puny brain, but I did manage to figure it out.
had to read it twice though, my brain hurts.
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Haha sorry! Thanks for your comment and applause x
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I loved the opening stanza.
Especially this part:
"solemn echoes reverberate to the casual tick
[and clumsy tock]
of hands hammering the lament"
I think the "[and clumsy tock]" gave it a good kick.
The middle lost it's metaphorical feel. I think you were too literal in the middle, and the different tones weren't cohesive. The ending picked up on the metaphorical feel, however, and I thought your ending was very strong.
Overall, a profound poem. Thank you for entering and good luck.
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Ta - thought you should see what I can do out of your series of contests lol x
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I think you should write like this in the contest. lol
Except this particular round is going to be challenging. Possibly the hardest one out of the whole challenge. Ironically, I personally did this challenge, and found it easy; but as Asfand said to me "You are you and we are us." lol.. -
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Yes but I suppose the challenge often restricts me and it's very hard for me to write when I don't feel like it or unless I choose to if that makes sense. I won't find it easy lol, I think this may be the round I come a cropper
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Yeah, that makes perfect sense. I know what you mean. For creative writing, we write stuff everyday; most of the time I don't feel like writing. The hardest part, for me, is getting started. Once I start, then I don't have a hard time finishing.
I think you will do alright this round. It'll be interesting, for sure. -
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The worst thing is like now when I feel like writing but just can't lol.
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It moves in time and is timeless
I myself c'ant find anything amiss with this poem i
find this poem to be temporal ,its quality to me is its
movement.This poem is not static and tense yet at
times it is, this to me makes the poem even more
temporal, the changes within it. Lesley -
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Thank you x
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Don't know if it was a picture prompt or in your mind but the idea of the tipped over hourglass was brilliant! The fifth stanza captures perfectly the sense of being'stuck' and constantly re living the past.
A well deserved gold.
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Most images came from picture prompts but that one didn't so I'm glad you liked it! x
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I like this style, and the inserted words in the parentheses, saying what is being thought silently or unconsciously. Very clever phrases, I get the essence of how we are so addicted to what we believe to be youth. Well done.
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Yes you're right, it was all about time and that was one aspect of it, especially in the 4th stanza. Thank you for your perceptive comment x
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This is frerakin sweet. Amazing word choice seriously propels the poem forward in blind curiosity. Its like a riddle you've forgotten the answer to. And you shorten your notes because so & so doesnt like them long???? who gives a damn. The note you did leave was as crazy and cool as the poem. Glad I clicked on this one.
~J -
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Haha thanks, Chandni is a friend so I don't mean it maliciously lol. Glad you enjoyed it appreciate your comment x
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EXCELLENT
One of the most melodious poems I have read on this site, rightly deserving gold. -
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Thank you x
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Excellent write...
Beautiful gold!!!
Thanks for sharing this wonderful piece...
Blessings
~A~
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Thank you x
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good luck in the contest interesting 'take' on tick-tock very good ending stanza good title opening draws us in thanks for sharing regards zaj
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fab
wow a gold no wonder
Grains of sand
effortlessly washed away
within an hourglass tipped
amazin is dat
abe -
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Thank you x
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"Chandni doesn't like my long notes"
Indeed.
One thing I noticed while looking at your author's notes:
the persistent turn
of a blue-green ball gown
-that reminded me of cinderella - which gave me a midievil (sp?) [I've been trying to spell this word for ages] - and it's funky how you meant it differently and I saw it differently - I'm impressed with both. That's mainly one reason I don't explain in author's notes and leave it open for interpretation.
Talking about author's notes...
I'm flabbergasted. There's nothing more to that. Added this to the list - stop writing so brilliantly!
Never ♥
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Medieval, I think. And Cinderella isn't that old! Well it's more fantasy...but anywho. I like putting my interpretation and seeing what other's are. Appreciate the lovely comment as always, thanks! x
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I've just noticed my fluent typos.
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