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I can see your only flaw

I look
Inside
The heart I coveted
For so long

And inside
I see
My own twisted,
broken soul.

I can see
Your only flaw;
The one
You stole
From me.

yeah, kind of creepy i no...

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Comments

1 - 12 of 12

  • subliminal girl
    March 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I loved this. Don't even know what to say, apart from:
    Great work.
    Keep it up.

  • Musiccrazy101
    March 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Awesome

    hey this is one heck of a poem. seriosly.
    wait dont you remember me? ok, guess who this is. i like music, i like to sing a lot and i play violin at NEC and Curtis Middle School. Haha!

    • imu7894
      March 11, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      ^

      txt mii bak!

    • imu7894
      March 11, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Help?

      Okay I'm from AJHS
      I only joined this poetry thing because I was bored!....and tired
      duz it relly cost $ to join the "Gold Membership"?


  • Wydra
    March 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    creepiness is gooooooood!it is intriguing! i love how you used few words but manged to make it descriptive and beautiful! good job


  • StarIlluminated
    March 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Pretty awesome poem you have here. It's very cool, I like the last line the best...great job!!!
    *KT*


  • tsarina
    February 25, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    that IS slightly creepy. i like it, though.nice write.

    ♥ tsarina ♥


  • liduen silver member
    February 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    katriny likey. *pokes* Personaly I like the captilizing the first word of every line...thats what I do. I like the last stanza the best.


  • machiavel
    February 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You have the makings of something great here! You don't need to capitalise the first word of every line unless it's a new sentence. So,

    "I like spaghetti
    It is green
    Or not"

    usually reads better as follows:

    "I like spaghetti;
    it is green,
    or not."

    It's a lot less distracting, IMHO.

    Now, for the poem. Fantastic concept; it earns you ten Internet cookies! It could use a bit more elabouration, though; this has the makings of "creepily coveting angst," but I can't quite get a feel for it. Perhaps use some imagery and metaphor. Remember, while it's easier for a reader to comprehend simple, vague statements ("I feel pain," for instance), it's not as effective as comparing that feeling to something concrete, like an image.

    hiraeth.


    • my02U
      February 25, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thanx!!!

      nice spaghetti poem!!! i'll fix that, thanx, and work on the imagery - i suk at metaphor, so that will ruin the poem!!!^-^ thanks for reading!


  • riasme
    February 25, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    yey! this is cool :3 don't really get it though...sweet job, two clappy men for you!!! (^-^) (^-^)

    • my02U
      February 25, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      HEY LISE!!!
      what dont u get? its not about me...

1 - 12 of 12