When I Am Away

If somehow I knew what you thought about me

(I don’t, I know I only catch
Vague glimpses of truth
Past your constant smile
And the flashing lenses of your glasses)

If I had any confidence
In what you say you feel
I might be able to say the things I think

When I’m far away
Alone
Scared you’re losing your love for me
As each second I’m away
Ticks on and on
Chipping away bits of regard
With each swipe of the hand

When I’m insecure
And acting like I wish I just wouldn’t

(I suppose I act out
Because I miss you
Some mistaken impulse to
Cling horrifically to what isn’t really mine to cling to)

I might be able to stand up and say confidently
Defiantly
That yes, I do keep your letter in my wallet
And read it often when I’m lonely

I kiss your ring when you’re not around
When I can’t kiss you
And when I can, I just have to smile this ridiculous smile
Against your lips
Because simply being near you makes me happiest
And I don’t want to ever be without you

I want to be with you forever

(See, that’s just too forward to say out loud
I would second-guess
Turn away and flick my eyes at the ceiling
Blushing and regretting it already
Certain you don’t feel the same)

But it’s these times when I’m away
Dreaming dreams best kept hidden

(For thinking too far ahead is dangerous, even
Unconsciously
And it’s a dumb thing all around
To think such a thing at my age
I know you would
Disapprove)

That I wish I could know how you really feel
Sit inside your head for a day
So I could know that I’m missed

(Though you do say so
I don’t know why I think I’m
So very forgettable)

But I know that would just be me
Trying to put off learning to trust

So I try to calm myself enough
To say such things
But I choke
I bite my tongue

(I think you know them anyway)