I. Past
In eyes of Earth, I was Grape,
who grew off dilated pupils,
from branches of expectation.
Beyond the blackened clouds,
Satan sparked plasma;
and when lightning struck my tree,
flames billowed
like orange hatred with a bitter fist,
cracking my soul
until rain extinguished
forbidden passion
that combusted into that inferno.
II. Present
The clouds are contradictions
shooting electric keys like arrows,
and pouring locks
onto flammable tools-
that not only I, but our world,
needs most.
The heavens have blessed me
with a curse
that I have learned to accept;
preach love every Sunday,
but hate on the saints who swing
the other way-
and I apologize for being so naïve,
letting posers drown me
in such deceit.
To be honest, I am sick of lies;
when I painted myself purple, royally,
you believed I was perfect.
The charade was perfection alright...
perfection
that masked Raisin.
The day I died in your eyes
was the sunrise
for the era when I began to live-
and it’s no surprise
that the sky
would close its eyes;
an eclipse of life.
The darkness must have changed me
like how night evolves to dawn;
ever since sunrise,
I became green.
III. Future
The bitterness will stop rotting
and rants will die
like ants in the sprayed piles-
and pesticides will not be bibles.
Complaints will be absent,
more absent than the light
that the church stole from me;
I refuse to diffuse the fire
that burns a million times more powerful
than the sun.
After being smashed by hatred
for a lifetime, the flavor
of my heart has strengthened,
juiced with every color;
I will be the Chardonnay
that fills every emptiness
in his wine glass.
Author notes
Tangled Angle
A contest entry
- Poets Survivor Three - Preliminary Round #2 - Invite Only by Ryno.
625 points, ended March 2, 2008, 10 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Bronze Bombshell....Free Verse by Randomly Beautiful.
300 points, ended March 3, 2008, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
.
Comments
1 - 41 of 41
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Hmmmm ....
sounds like Glacian. Interesting write in any case. Congrats on your trophies.
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The day I died in your eyes
was the sunrise
for the era when I began to live-
brilliant lines here..... well said and written.... this piece was very carefully done and the ending was a good twist... something I didn't excatly see coming!
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You know. This has to be one of my absolute favorites by you. My favorite out of this has to the be the Past. The imagery really drew me in.
I didn't mean to make this comment sound generic or anything. The poem just really blew me away, and I couldn't just pass over it. -
Thanks. You got my burger yet...lol. :f
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Yes
For me, this was a gruelly, addicting and heartfelt journey, of self-acceptance and coming to terms with who we are and what our beliefs, privledges in life, interests, whatever are.
That "church" (either a build-on to your metaphor or actual meant to be direct, either way) is what twisted you to infact not come to terms with yourself.
Good work on trying to run away from that "church" if it does that to you, my friend.
As for the metaphor itself, I thought it was pretty darn original, as it allowed you to head in many directions and bring it into many perceptions.
I have one suggestion that I'd like to voice though.
"preach love every Sunday,
but hate on the saints who swing
the other way-
and I apologize for being so naïve,
letting posers drown me
in such deceit.
_________________
To be honest, I am sick of lies;
when I painted myself purple, royally,
you believed I was perfect.
The charade was perfection alright...
perfection"
Read that part over. Where I put the line is where I feel the style changed completely. It might just be a personal thing I noticed, but it seems as if you skipped from abstract imagery right to the more emotional part. It through me off a little.
It is almost like it should be a whole other section itself. But since you have the great, past, present, future thing going I propuse something like this:
"and I apologize for being so naïve,
letting posers drown me
in such deceit.
(spaces,spaces, spaces) To be honest, I am sick of lies;
(spaces,spaces, spaces)when I painted myself purple, royally,
(spaces,spaces, spaces)you believed I was perfect."
& so the rest of that part is indented farther. To me, this shows a new kind of part, piece is showing.
I don't know, I am getting WAY technical here
Anyways, you know, as always, you did an OVER fantastic piece.
Thanks for the entry.
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yes
Excellent stuff. Beautiful metaphor and fantastic imagery. I love the scattering of rhyme throughout as well as the sectioned structure.
While the metaphor itself is not completely original, what you did with it was over-the-top original. Great poem. -
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Thanks!
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Yes!
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Wow... Seriously, I have never met anyone your age who can write something so brilliant. Like I said last round, while all the other 15-year-olds are doing the whole 'woe-is-me-I-slit-my-wrists' thing, you're here among some of the site's best, writing some very eloquent and thought-provoking pieces. I think you could easily take the title! Well done, and good luck!
Laura xxx
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This is outstanding. I love the concept of sections representing stages of you, your life. This is creative and powerful in that the structure you chose enables you to tell much more about yourself than would be in a single stage type metaphor. You are a gifted writer. Your used of imagery along with your metaphor is excellent and I like the subtle use of rhyme found here and there.
This piece is a strong showing and in it your talent shines!
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I've missed your work. I love the progression of this piece. You will do well in this comp. Your work is always so intriguing. So grown up for your age too...but then some grow up faster than others. Like your pic by the way...
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Thanks for both the poem comment and the pic comment.
it only took me more than a week to write you back though.
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"I refuse to diffuse the fire
that burns a million times more powerful
than the sun."
This is brilliant, and the metaphor works incredibly well. When I think "grape", I think of light-hearted things, but you've managed to twist grapes into something beautifully dark and creative, and in the "future", full of strength.
Honestly, it's really nice competing with you (and I'm learning a lot), but it's also kinda sad knowing how amazing some of the other poets are.
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Thanks!
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I loved the concept of this: the past, present, future and even more so the progression from grape to raisin to wine. Great use of nature imagery as well. Good luck in the contest!
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Thanks!
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This metaphor is sensational, utilizing the humble grape in its many forms including the dried raisin. I loved the references to pesticides and altar wine. You have a wisdom that belies your tender years, and I agree with Laura that each write is better than the last. You have used your words with economy and never sacrificed meaning for convoluted wording. It is a pleasure to be in this contest with you (for as long as I last). Peace, Liz
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Thanks Liz. It's a pleasure to be here with you too!
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when I painted myself purple, royally,
you believed I was perfect.
I read the change, and noticed that this particular line was changed - just wanted to say that like the change
This is really good - unique and profound at the same time. The internal rhyme was superb as well - and the major edit, I have to say, has been successful.
All the best in the contest
Never ♥
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Thanks
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velcome
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Oh, the title
In high school [last year] ... people couldnt get my name write so they called me all kinds of things, and by working in an alcohol store, I was also called Chardonay O.o
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Stop being so damn good!
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lol No way, I want to win!
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Can you at least make it easier for the rest of us?
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lol I'm not -that- good!!
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Oh yes you are!
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Yes
L3 "off of" I think just "off" would work there
L17 "then" the removal of it won't change the meaning
Poetic device here is excellent, but then I'd expect no less from you. Imagery is excellent and the depth here is profound indeed. You just get stronger with everything you pen. This is honest and very well done.
Good luck!
La x
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Thanks!
I've used both suggestions.
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wow... i don't know how you have edited this. but this is amazing. seriously, you people shock me with uber brilliance.
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Thanks Esha.
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"In eyes of the Earth, I was grape,
who grew off of dilated pupils,
from branches of expectation.
Beyond the clouds,
Satan sparked plasma;
and when lightning struck my tree,
flames billowed
like orange hatred with a bitter fist,
cracking my soul
until rain extinguished
forbidden passion
that combusted into that inferno" (edited)
"preach love every Sunday,
but hate on the Saints who swing
the other way"
"The day I died in your eyes
was the sunrise
for the era when I began to live"
These two stanzas are just mindblowing.
"The bitterness will stop rotting
and rants will die
like ants in sprayed piles-
and pesticides will not be bibles.
Complaints will be absent,
more absent than the light
that church stole from me;
I refuse to diffuse the fire
that burns a million times more powerful
than the sun.
After being smashed by hatred
for a lifetime, the flavor
of my heart has strengthened,
juiced with every color;
I will be the chardonnay
that fills every emptiness
in his wine glass" (edited)
Closing lines = brilliant.
I think this is gorgeous; a breathtaking piece of work, Tyler. Just poiting out a few somethings... I know I'm an amateur... yet, my opinion, that's all Throw it in the dustbin if you don't like it!
- namita
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I used all but one of your suggestions, they were really great. Thanks for the criticism and awesome comment.
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*beautiful hug*
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In the eyes of Earth, I was grape
Seems to miss something-grammatically incorrect
that not only I, but our world,
needs most.
that I have learned to accept;
learnt?
preach love every Sunday,
but hate on the Saints who swing
the other way-
2nd line is grammatically wrong for some reason I guess
and somehow you also believed
I was perfection
Doesn't flow too well
The darkness must have changed me
like how night evolves into dawn;
because ever since sunrise,
Skip off words when not needed like in the 2nd line into could be to and still have the same meaning? and has a better flow?
Last line also has some problem with the flow, probably because of the because lol
and the pesticides will not be bibles
Same above reason, you can skip of the "the"
And anyways, I rly din't get this line.Din't make sense to me
Perhaps clarity of some of the metaphors would be good Sorry, I'm a very critical judge
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Wow, thanks Mark.
Learned + learnt = same thing.
I'm American, and 'learned' just sounds more American [more like me] I guess. lol
"and the pesticides will not be bibles"
-basically means that you cant get rid of the bad things about me by using a bible. [bible = christianity's holy book, or something]
But yeah..
thanks for the comment about that..
and you're not that critical of a judge.. lol I've seen worse.
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I am very critical in my contests and nice metaphors btw.Learnt still sounds better to me for the flow
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I know what you're saying, but I don't know "learnt" just isn't -me-. Know what I'm saying?
lol
I might as well have just wrote the poem about me being a stubborn mule!
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This was a very well thought out write!It had some lovely phrases but some obscure ones too.I would suggest a re-read by you, for you seem to have missed a few single words at some places, other than that fantastic!Good luck in the contest I know that this shall be successful, yet again
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Thanks Mark.
Where did I miss the spots? I know some spots I didn't use "a" because I thought it sounded alright without them.
But let me know, that would be awesome.
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