Tell Me

What happened to my smile?
When did it start being so easy-going,
so vapid and so wrong?
To where did my depth vanish?
Or have I been this shallow all along?

I hide my wings,
hide myself and my tears.
I'll let the red run free
bleeding into black.
I force my curls to submit
flattened into a line,
conforming and straight like I can never be.
I lost myself along the way                                                                                                                 
but I can't be bothered to cry
for the fracture of my soul.

The acrid burn at my throat,
reminds me of my weaknesses.
Heat scalds me,
and I rejoice in masochistic thrill.
Then someone removes my hand,
concern takes away my sensation.
Why can't I feel anymore?
What right does she have to affect me so,
to strip away my will?                           
I know this to be denial of self, yet I always bend,
contort, and change to better suit her purposes.
And wonder if maybe this time when I open my eyes,
maybe she'll like this butterfly.