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Beauty

Your crystal tears make me ache too much inside
Like an ocean of bitter pain and remorse
Your fallen face is of beauty and gold
As a horizon dying in the northern skies
Your pale hands limp and morbid
Are as a deathly cold wind lonely, yet still beautiful
Your hair of gentle silk and dismay
A weeping willows sagging branches
Your waning love and trust of life
The pain of a dying deer
Shrink back to the forest my love
To the rowans as your dying destiny

Author notes

I hope it goes with what you wanted

A contest entry

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Comments


  • tarcus
    February 26, 2008

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    A nice but wordy write, the Images for me are somewhat lost with too much information.
    I believe that in most cases less is more and speak from experience having done too much in most of my early work.
    Nowadays i tend to invite the reader to think rather than just drink ..
    But you still get the clappy's cos we all desire encouragement and it aint all bad as it is written with feeling and love peace to you and heres to many more.

  • Nicole Hanna
    February 23, 2008

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    Do you mind if I make a few suggestions? This piece has really very strong bones, but there are a few things I had some trouble with. In the opening line, "crystal tears" is the type of image one tends to read quite a bit in the darker kind of poetry. It's a little cliche, but only when considering the arrangement of the phrase. You could say something like "your tears ache (line break) like fine crystal chipped" or something like that. It's not a prime example, but you get my drift when I talk about rearranging placement of words. I also LOVE half of your final line. I'd love to see it end with "to the rowands" without following it up with anything. There's something so final about it, but it has more a longevity than it does with the rest of the line. Anyway, I like the darkness of this piece. I actually haven't read dark poetry in a while, so it's a pleasant change of pace. Thanks for entering


  • RoseTear
    February 22, 2008
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    I HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE IT!!!!