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[ I've finally allowed my tears to take their course ]

I've finally allowed my tears to take their course
My lips to tremble
and my thoughts to rush


To think that you have deserted me
has left me feeling isolated
In a crowded room, with only my saddened thoughts of you


You built me up
only to tear me down
Without your smile
I wear a frown


Troubled waters
with an unstable boat
sinking quickly without my anchor


Fending for myself, yet again
Standing alone

A contest entry

I've changed the style in this poem, do you think it works?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 10 of 10
  • chiefmac
    May 10, 2008

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    How nicely this moves with the flow and rhythm. Lovely how this brings the reader into the poem, especially like the fourth stanza. Great ending. This is consistent ear to sound aspect.


    • Li snuffles
      May 10, 2008
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      THank you for your kind words i'm really glad you enjoyed it!

  • EmeraldDaze
    April 30, 2008

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    How sad. I like how you didn't force the poem into rhyming. You conveyed your emotions well, made me feel your desolation. Great job.


  • k8fairy
    February 27, 2008

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    I like the use of both the meanings of tear, it is trippy. And I like the extra big gaps, it enhances the feeling of alone-ness (so a word), like even the verses are alone, but it would have been too much if you had done it by the line.

    • Li snuffles
      February 28, 2008
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      AWh thank you Kate,

      I'm glad you liked it, i was in a really big downer when i wrote this, but everything's nice and shiny again! woo!" life's great again!

      U described this poem, so that it actually seems good!

      you should so be a critic!"

      loveness

      • k8fairy
        February 28, 2008
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        Aren't critics supposed to make even good stuff seem bad? ie be critical? Nah, I think I make a better pretensious art snob, who find meaning in nothing at all, stare at a blank wall and find the meaning of the blankness, that sort of thing. Lots of fun at free galleries.

        • Li snuffles
          February 29, 2008
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          HAHA... Awk Kate
          you'd sure know how to enjoy yourself finding the hidden meaning of blankness

          i could picture you now.. haha


  • xkadiex
    February 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    oh, so sad but really good, good luck

1 - 10 of 10