As I sit here and think of you
Many thoughts swirling in my head
I'm discouraged when I'm stopped to realize
That I've been all alone instead
Living in solitude without you near
Is starting to bring me down
In my head I hear your loving voice
But in the real world, not a sound
I'd rather be cuddling in your arms
In a home that was made for us
Laughing living loving dreaming
But life hasn't given me such
I look into our future together
And see way too much to grasp
The kind of love the carnival has brought us
Is something that will forever last
I want to spend every upcoming gathering
With only you right by my side
We'll be watching the wicked music together
Until the sun comes over the sky
As I start to ponder about our wedding
And how I imagine it to be
Everything hatchetman and hatchetgirl
It's so perfect for you and me
But I'm seeing the world as dark and dank
Because your glow hasn't yet brightened it
That's why I love it when you're around
The whole night sky gets lit
I know that I'll be seeing you soon
It's just simply a matter of when
But in the depths of my heart
I would die to be in Michigan
Author notes
[2.22.08]
I wrote this very quickly as a spur of the moment thing, please tell me what you think so I can know if I did good or not...
**It's been edited!**
A contest entry
- What do you wish you were doing right now? by strangerforeigner.
425 points, ended March 8, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Thoughts?
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Its Great
Its very well written, nice flow! It shows your feeling and many can relate to it. I loved the ending! It made me feeling the longing and questioning you feel. Keep on writting, its amazing!! Great job! -
Wow. Great rhyming, flows nicely. Adore the last punch line. Good luck in the contest, you did an awesome job.
Sammie xox -
Wonderful job here. I liked it. Easy to follow and enjoy. Just pure reading pleasure from beginning to end. Thank you for sharing and best wishes to you. Keep that pen handy and ever ready for use dear poet.
♥ Touchof1der -
it's good.
i like it
i focus more on the meaning of a poem rather than the rhymes and the structure and all.
both ways, i like it!
it's easy to read, and that's what keeps the reader interested.
nicely done
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a good opening stanza, showing the swirls of confusion in mnid then realisation of being alone. love is a painful experience at times, for all the joy it brings sorrow comes too with it, waiting for its chance. a good poem.
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I can relate to this very well! Great rhyme, the flow does seem out on the odd one or two lines, but maybe thats just me lol. Nice work though! x
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I think that the second stanza is a bit awkward, but after that the flow goes alright. The poem seems well based on the prompt.
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it's a nice love, and fits the prompt well. likey she's not in texas that would of been a bitch to rhyme.
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My favorite part is the end. T last verse really is so sweet.
While holding one of my babies I sang the poem to him, he just smiled sweetly while playing with my necklace.
I think he liked the last part most also.
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I think you have done quite a good job with this poem. The rhyme is fairly good, and doesn't sound forced at all. the flow is a little bit wobbly here and there though, but that's not really a big issue.
The poem does feel quite clichéd though.
I really like the alliteration you have used in some places - that's truly a nice touch of detail
Thank you for sharing this with us all, keep it up!
Leander -
Well done! Great imagery, thanks for editing!
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It's edited in small parts and added to.
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It's good, but a little cliche. Maybe you could talk about some things specific to this relationship, instead of the same-old "in your arms" that everyone uses. Make it as personal as you can, is my advice.
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