I realized that his arms fill the contours of my body to create the perfect hug
so i surrendered
and kissed the tattoos that blanketed his skin
there were music notes from the past floating in the air
dancing with smoke exhaled
highlighted by cool moon beams
that bounced off his smiling eyes into mine
and i seen a reflection of myself in him for the very first time
we listened to the rain outside
it broke the humidity as it splashed off the window sill onto our over heated skin
and he was looking at me like i was new
In that tiny dimly lit room i was made of glue
and he was the same in breaking sunlight,
and it pulled me out from inside
and for the first time i didn't want to hide from the devil in disguise
to loves unnecessary and creative lies I'm blind
A contest entry
- love by siddy jones.
317 points, ended June 4, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
please be honest
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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i really liked this it was strong and had great imagery it had a lovley flow also i especially liked the third stanza and the line
"in that tiny dimly lit room i was made of glue"
good work
xxx
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Oh my goodness the imagry here is stunning, This is gentle and romantic, and just flows from my toungue, You have penned a really creative and very refreshing and intersting poem
this is the bit i like best(it was hard to choose)
There were music notes from the past, floating in the air
Dancing with the smoke exhaled
This is a really really strong piece of work
thanks
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this is cute.
first two lines were great.
a very lovely poem!
cheers!
- jo -
Oh this is nice.
Vivid imagery that puts a smile on the readers' faces..
Well done
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Beautiful imagery in this poem. It's a beautiful love poem, and I felt so happy and lovey-dovey just reading it. I enjoy poems that make me feel like that, so thank you so much for sharing it.
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Nice free write.
Really made me feel all gushy on the inside. Nothing like a love poem. Good subtle rhyme.
Advice: work a bit on structure.
Thanks for your comment on my poem Enflamed Paradise
Sorrow
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i like it. good luck in the contest.
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wonderful poem! very heartfelt and loving!
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This is a really fabulous poem. This is worded wonderfully. Great valentines day read. I love the part: in that tiny dimly lit room i was made of glue. awesome.
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a good piece of love poetry - love dances us around as we swirl our minds into the seasons, the days, a good poem
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Very beautiful love poem with great imagery.
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remember i=I
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yeah, thanks for the "comment" on my poem
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very unique and lovely. this poem makes you think, takes a seond read to fully capture it, but it is definitley worth it.
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that has got to be the most romantic thing i've read in a good long while.
excellent language, very descriptive. it comes to life.
if i could write like this, then i wouldn't live in a small town and go to a dump school.
fantastic. keep it up.
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Your words are sensual and couldn't do a better job of describing the scenario. I like the idea of tattoos blanketing skin. I also really liked
and you were looking at me like i was new
This is very thought provoking, thank you for the comment and this is a great write yourself.
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I loved how you managed to create the sensitive, love for love through much of the poem and then brought it down to say that love was lying in one finally, crashing line. Nicely done, to unwind so easily and fluidly.
GREAT job
diggin it majorly
A++wesome
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very romantic poem with a divine rhythm of love...very well done...thank you
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Sensual.
This is very sensual and it is done very nicely. It makes for a really nice read that is romantic and sexy at the same time. The only thing I would do is capitalize the I. -
Hmmm... Very interesting. I really liked the descriptions, but alas they were kinda vague. I know, you're like!!!! How can you say that!!!! Well, you kinda skipped around, from thing to thing..
But, that was not horrible. it was still a great piece. The descriptions still great, and overall it was very good...
~ Wonderful
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lovley flowed to perfection didn't find a single flaw in this peice well wrote
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I love the images in this piece especially in the first stanza. I didn't completely get the last two lines. But still great work!
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this is a good poem i really liked the parts where you wrote "it broke the humidity as it splashed off the window sill onto our over heated skin" it was very detailed
GREAT JOB!! -
This is beautiful! It's very touching and obviously heartfelt. The scenes you describe I can see so clearly.
I would recomend using correct capitalization, it detracts from the piece, and that is certainly NOT what you want. And "seen" in line eight should be "saw", I think.
There is nothing else I can say other than "marvelous job!" I truly enjoyed it.
Good luck in the contest!
~ Kit -
This is a really awesome poem. I especially like "kissed the tattoos that blanket your skin" and "it broke the humidity as it splashed off the window sill onto our over heated skin". Those two lines are really cool. One line I don't understand is "dancing with smoke exhaled". What do you mean by that? It might just be me who doesn't understand it, but maybe you could add a bit more to make it make more sense. I also really like "There were music notes from the past floating in the air". I feel like "I see a reflection of myself in you" is kind of cliche. Maybe you could expand that to explain what you mean, and make the line more personal for this particular poem.
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wow thanks for such an elaborate comment,great advice. thanks for taking the time.i really appreciate yr honesty.
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wow, this was really beautiful. The imagery was amazing. This part especially: "there were music notes from the past floating in the air
dancing with smoke exhaled
highlighted by cool moon rays
that bounced off your smiling eyes into mine
and i seen a reflection of myself in you for the very first time"
great write!
-gibson
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It's good. I like it. One thing though, is it feels like the rhyme is sorta forced. It's good though. Thanks for entering.
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thanks!i can see what yr saying i appreciate yr honesty
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