You fed me lullabies of never perishing devotion;
but maybe if I played your songs backwards,
I could’ve heard the reality of your message,
seeing through the falsehood…
You were perfection
in the form of a boy;
my prince charming
finally arriving on his white stallion,
my Ken doll I always hoped
would come to life.
[I should’ve known Ken desired Barbies;
the gorgeous,
the brainless,
the fake...]
You enticed me with dreams of
happily ever after,
while you drowned all we had
in a flood of betrayal,
singing her the words you
swore were just for me.
Your words no longer float
like rose petals
dancing in a warm,
summer breeze.
[Perhaps they will for the girl
who fills the empty gorges
that I have hollowed
by leaving behind.]
Feed her kisses of vinegar,
splattered with lies,
and drenched in déjà vu;
so bitter,
so false,
so familiar…
Without a second thought,
I can recite every promise
you’ll ever make to her,
as easily as the crunch of past
wilts on the canyons-
and crackles like memories in jaded ears.
You are the dried leaf beneath my shoe;
broken,
dried,
dead....
Word count: 192
Author notes
Prompt: your memory lies behind my lips,
unconsciously repeating itself
spouting from that place in my brain
where lyrics are kept from a songs
you have not heard in years,
but you still somehow
know every word
(Don't know exactly how the prompt goes with the poem, but this is what it inspired me to write...)
192 words
By Lostintheshadows33
Thanks for the suggestions, Tyler
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round 5 [Top 10] by Tangled Angle.
550 points, ended February 26, 2008, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
let me know how you like it =]
Comments
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This is really good, I love what you've done with the leaf metaphor. I also liked how bitter you made me feel with
Feed her kisses of vinegar,
splattered with lies,
Fantastic write.
-
Personally in the third stanza I would have chosen a different word than 'fake', but that could be the way I'm reading it.
Same sort of thing with the last stanza, I think it would have worked better if you hadn't used 'dried' twice
Other than that I thought the metaphors were lovely, not overdone and the images were well thought out.
Thank you -
Please back off on some pronouns - its not completely over-used but they still drained some imagery. Unsure about the lists bits - but over all a nicely worded and phrased piece.
-
91.0
As much as I like the Ken/Barbie representation...I didn't think it tied in with the rest of your images at all. I loved the other images, however. I thought you did a good job with that.
I like the title...I didn't at first...but after I read the poem I thought it was a good title, even though you used exactly what the title is at the end...I still think it has that punch to it. I thought this was very passionate and profound. There's something about this that speaks to me. Maybe it's the the loneliness of it...Well anyway, this is by far your best one.
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