The scalpel that cut our love
aided its biting dust
was dull and disease infested
and totally full of rust.
Our love is now ending.
We suffered its welcome demise.
Badly beaten and rotting
encased with maggots and flies.
The haunting pain it has inflicted
to my body, mind and soul
pushed me to the brink
leaned up to swallow me whole.
Chewed me up to spit me out
I swallow, never spit.
Lovemaking? Not what I call it.
I'm over the constipated shit.
Author notes
will edit..not happy with the flow..
also..totally fictional..more in love with my husband than ever..this is just to sweep out the inner demons so to speak..
A contest entry
- Tempt My Heart - PW by Melissa Burns.
600 points, ended March 22, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Poetry only by Dahlia Tremaine.
425 points, ended April 1, 2008, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
honesty please...
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
-
Flow actually good - kind of tumbles as it reads, last verse not as good as the rest, but you have do something, don't you? And a little bit anger is no bad thing, i like this, like the labguage, i think, as i said, the flow is good, all work could be improved but i would be happy with this.
Love the imagery.
James
xx
-
-
James..
thanx for the comment hun..hope all is well..
take care..
blessings
r
-
-
I really enjoyed some of the wording used here *giggles* painted a picture indeed. Thanks for entering my humble little contest
-
-
thanx Melissa..for your kind comment..hope you took note of my authors notes...sometimes those mood swings are killers..hehe..thanx again..
blessings
namaste
robin (vici377)
-
-
Wowzer!! This is fantastic. I would never have guess it was this dark from the title. Delightfully deep and dark with awesome imagery. The rhyme is nicely subtle and the flow brilliant. Both powerful and intense to read. Simply put a superb piece, from start to finish! Extremely well penned hunni...I adore it!
-
-
thanx so much for the kind comment Pink..you're the best..
*hugs*
-
-
Great poem in working, here are a few ideas.
We all have our inner demons. I can easily relate it your poem as I was blindsided by a scalpel that cut into love. But that was years ago. Anyway on your poem: ths scalpel had to be razor sharp and disease infested. I like the idead of "full of rust" But, desribe the rust. Get rid of the "so" 2nd stanza" "Our love has now ended/ we suffered its demise. Use an adjective described suffered. In the fourth stanza "The pain it inflicted...
You have a powerful poem here. It is weakened by the use of So. also use some powerful adjectives in your work.
-
YIKES! This is so sad! I hope this is just a bit of poetry and nothing else. Certainly painted a grim picture of rancid love...quite well!
Blessed Be~
Az
Adding your comment:
1 - 8 of 8
