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Cacophonous

fermata

hitting the uppermost soprano,

tremor in the throat,

sweet sixteen specializing in

                                   coloratura

a minstrel named

Psyche

treble clef

stymie of a time signature…

                                  unheard of

lost virginity and

making love to the melody,

                               seizing aria

eighteenth rest

               in cut time

staccato flux on skin,

recherché satisfaction

                     (would be a tragedy

                      if that all was lost…)

trill

as all else dissolves,

a solitary species,

                          a voice

tunes to the veil of the Artic

for the temperate has forsaken music

                                           leaving flat…

the cut off

a driven conductor of quiescence,

purity lost in passion

                  forever in vain

thunderclap stops sinfonietta short,

and then guillotine

to slash intonation.

forty measure’s rest.

mute

what is left is a muffled shriek,

a tone of wavering woodwind

like pneumatic flute

                        severed mouthpiece

                                   useless

tablature

falls off stands

                 that almost look like skeletal trees

no matter how silver sheens,

the leaves float to Heaven,

leaving the stench of

                           failure.




Author notes

rockerchkpoet
154 words

My prompt:
'You can sing like that once
and never again;
but when he floats his voice
you can smell his skin.'
~ Tam Lin

The title, "Cacophonous", means "having a harsh sound".

If you don't understand the poem or some of the vocabulary, please tell me in the comments.

And pleaaase give me honest critism.

A contest entry

...

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 21 of 21

  • Hetha gold member
    March 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Congrats on the silver, it was well worth it. I loved reading it. Having been a former choir member, I can relate somewhat to this. Splendid writing, that puts you right there in the midst of it. Thank you for sharing.


  • grannyeri gold member
    March 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful - loved the reference to musical terms in these lines, and how well you used them as well. Liked the alliteration and the creative use of space here - lovely silver winner. Way to go.


  • maralisa silver member
    February 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this is a beautiful poem to a musician and singer it is true that we never make the same sounds once it is the same with playing a instrument you wont get the same sound again fantastic

  • piccola silver member
    February 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is beautiful. I am a coloratura and can make these trilling sounds. It is odd what you say at the end is so true. Each time we sing it seems we can never repeat...we cannot get our voice to reach perfection but once but that once is like soaring to heaven. Thank you for sharing with the group. Congrats on the silver btw


  • Exodus gold member
    February 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh wow. I knew you were improving each round but this is certainly a leap forward!
    The only thing that I think detracts, like Tyler said, is how much spacing you've put it. I don't think it would work if you got rid of the format all together but perhaps if you just used less spaces, so each part was still seperate but you're not drawing the readers eye everywhere at once. I don't think I'm making much sense
    Oh, and I like the title

    Thank you


  • Mad As Rabbits
    February 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    As someone who is absolutely in love with music, a member of the church choir and a school band geek, I am pretty much in love with this poem!!!! I would pick out some of my favorite parts but...well...the whole thing is my favorite!!!

    Awesome job, and good luck this round!!!

    Love Always,

    Caroline


  • Naridill gold member
    February 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Perhaps the reminder is the random phrasing and sense. Like - I understand my attachment - even is others don't. I like this - a lot. The random and the beauty so perfectly senseful


    • Naridill gold member
      February 24, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      pst... not sure completely about title though.


      • And Hyetal
        February 24, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        Yeah, it is kind of a strange title... Thanks for the comment!


  • Tangled Angle
    February 23, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    There's something about this that reminds me of Heather's poems. [that's a compliment though] lol

  • Tangled Angle
    February 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    95.8

    This is by far your best one. I thought this was really unique, creative, and stands out the most among the others. I thought the title was perfect. I did think the format was kind of...hmmm...well, it did make your style stand out, at the same time I thought you spaced out the lines too much at times. Besides that, I love this.

    • And Hyetal
      February 23, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      So have I really been improving each round?

      And I can't believe that the only thing I have to work on now is my line spacing.


  • Namita
    February 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, I love this This has so many music-related terms. Really beautiful. And almost forgot, the title is perfect!! Great job, Cassie; good luck in teh contest

    - namita


  • February Moon gold member
    February 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    This is AMAZING! Oh my goodness, just wow.


  • Bryan-CarnelianHope
    February 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    :O

    Gorgeous! Haha! You used staccato! I love that word! Excellent job, this really captivated me. I guess I left the band, but it never left me. Makes me wanna join back XD Amazing job!


  • Valley Girl silver member
    February 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    OMG!! I told you this would be kick ass! (I didn't understand half of the words... but kick ass lol) Great job! I Really hope you win your contest, I can tell that you have worked VERY hard on this. and you definetly deserve one!!!


  • Viva La Vie Boheme
    February 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow. Cassie, seriously, I ADORE this poem. I love the form, the style, the vocabulary, the whole air to it... it's just amazing. You're an amazing writer. Never stop writing, okay?


  • BeautifullyBroken42
    February 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    pretty intresting poem. I read every one of the 154 words! it was really good in my judgement! great job!

1 - 21 of 21