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Till Death Do Us Part (NOT)

The years went by
With our souls entwined
The sand washing away
Our skin every day

Our hands held tight
Day and night
With our kisses never ending
Our hearts forever blending

The times may change
But we will stay the same
Our bodies may explode
But eternity to us bestowed

I will see you on the other side
With my soul drifting with the tide
May your fingers forever touch mine
And our thoughts forever aligned

A contest entry

So...

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Comments


  • delightfulmess silver member
    February 25, 2008

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    Nice job Love the rhyme. Great take on the pic.
    Thank you for your entry in my contest.


    Delila


  • HeavenScent4U
    February 24, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I love poems about soul mates or the thought of i would suggest however that you consider some punctuation here and not starting every line with a capital letter. that is my biggest pet peeve in poetry best of luck in the contest. be well and be blessed


  • Condemd RyeZing
    February 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    It's a good write, but it seems unfinished. It sorta leaves you wanting more. The flow was nice. Thanks for entering.


  • Hadji Murad
    February 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like the potential here, but there's a lot that needs to be done. The flow is more or less obliterated and the rhyming seems quite forced in many locations. There are quite a number of cliches here. I'd really recommend reading this aloud and changing things to improve the flow of the poem. Let each line mold into the next. Imagine a water fall, a constant rush of intensity and beauty. Improve the flow and use this site for assistance with rhyming:
    www.rhymezone.com
    It's a great site.
    The best advice though is to do freeverse. It's more natural, less cliche and doesn't lead to awkward rhyming situations.

    On a good note:
    This definitely has capability. It's beautiful and serene, and the words certainly are passionate and throbbing with emotion. Tightening the mechanics of this poem will express everything in a great depth. I really do like this poem, but there are some issues that should be worked out.

    Overall, very nice job. Good luck.