I dream you:
now, of all these days we've known each other,
this very moment
you are beyond a star;
writing (her) a poem
at a river, at the landscape
of your own mouth
two fresh Julys
opened against each other, peeled across
skin -
*
and now, a song will have to find
my eyes: a strand
of white earth and black moon -
that song which will sing
of an ending,
and the way your mouth
will become and unbecome
so many
desert
stars
(in reply)
Author notes
reality stin(g/k)s
In a list
A contest entry
- I am stumbling today... by PrabhuDayal Khattar.
300 points, ended February 26, 10 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Ultimate Goal by M a r l u x i a.
20000 points, ended June 2, 1040 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please give some honest and constructive criticism -
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Oh my, you even stumble with finesse, this is poetry to drink down and savour, especially loved the phraseology of " two fresh Julys opened against each other, peeled across skin" whilst I don't like to define anyone by age, believing that we have more than a chronological age as we have an eductational age, an emotional age and also a spiritual age and yet your tender chronological age is not married to your mastery of penmanship, you have created your own style and added the timbre of your own voice which is a sheer delight, your poetic age is already worthy of Oldpoetry. Bravo.
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I am very much impressed with this, the delicate way it flows into my eyes and drifts through my mind like soft snow falling...
each line leads right into the other like perfectly poured poetry from a brilliant mind.
You are amazing, simply amazing. I do not know how I have missed you, but into my favorites you will go...
Sigh...
Becky
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When dreams stumble on reality, it becomes hard to notice in which world we are, and we wish to stay in the one that whispers soft tunes to us. Like your poem whispers soft sounds of small sad tunes and great beauty.
Love reading your talent
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beautiful ... question .. is 'in reply' part of the unbecoming and stars or is it the whole second stanza ... i felt it was the second stanza in reply to the first ? ... if so would you consider 'and now (in reply) a song will have to find' ... bringing it up into the verse as you did with '(her)' ...
of course i may have it completely wrong ... upon first read its very beautiful ... multiple reads and it just grows and grows ... so nicely done >>> Gina
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How apropo for a contest about stumbling...for two reasons...first because I am stumbling today...well, everyday...and second because you are a gifted genius! You are headed for fame.
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You never did cease to amaze me how at thirteen you write better than most of the adults here. I have missed reading your work and I hope that you are well.
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-sigh-
that was beautiful.
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we speak and we are quiet... we dream and the world spins... each upon its own axis and each entwining around the other...
to say to someone, that you care... that you are open to their world, so delicate the balance
this is beautiful Namita.. truly
a gifted piece
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and I am telling you... this is poetry, dear friend.
~Sonja~
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Namita there is a fresh and youthful personification within this piece. The imagery one step at a time given as it assail into my eyes.
If stumbling is as wonderful as this, I will allow myself to fall...lol.
Excellent write young lady
HENSLEY
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if you keep writing poetry like this, it wouldn't be necessary for us to adopt you...!!
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lololol
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and you call me creative? psh. this was wonderful, kara. i've always liked your use of imagery and diction.
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There is something sad about this poem....but you wrote it so very beautifully.... yes, a dream, a mouth that is stumbling... What a wonderfully fresh and imaginative poem! If only more poets could stumble as poetically as you do... beautiful poetry.
~ Nicolette
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this is so lovely..so soft..such beautiful whispers of poetry upon this page...
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Very nice.
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wonderful
This is an amazing write full of wonder and true wonder. The words are well chosen and placed. This has been an absolute pleasure to read.
Great Job!
*Go with God* my friend,
Valerie
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Lucky will be the man...who attains such splender in a heart so young...for you will sing to him and bare your soul...in such a way...
your beauty will come like petals sprinkled upon the earthen floor...
and you will lie among them
fragrant to the air
he breaths...
Mal
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