The wind is relentless
and the waves are steel-gray,
as they have been since
we lost sight of the shore.
We cling to a rope, perhaps knotted
to a pier, a haven--
or possibly as aimless
as we are, paddling
in our oblivion.
The serpentine spirals below are
persuasive; their gentle curves
caressing us.
Tempting sea-songs call,
beckoning,
like luscious fruit held tauntingly
below...
so far below,
in the depths that belong
to others—
to those with silken voices
and smooth, pale arms
entreating us to enter.
We will warm you,
and soothe your shudders.
Have trust.
They are drawn to our fire,
winding around to sense our
warmth and distress.
The rope that we cling to
is rough, each strand a flame
biting at our fingers;
barnacles on every inch,
scraping our palms raw.
Come to us,
and you will heal.
Let go.
Careful fingers brush
our salt-stung skin,
coating the pain
in numbing feathers of seaweed,
floating in the water
and warming us...
but if a limb is yanked
from the depths,
the blanket becomes
a clammy captor, dragging us down
--again--
into the sea.
Tangled tentacles entwine,
a living net promising
secrets immortal,
and pleasures
unknown to those confined and bound
to the dust of land.
We will lead you,
abandon your fiery pain.
Follow us.
To take a breath
of their briny wine;
to slip down—
so easy, surely,
but they cannot pry our fingers
from the gnarled twine.
Lapping waves press sea-grapes
to our flaking lips;
bobbing foam
from crested, crashing tails
settles on our eyelids.
Taste our riches,
see our splendors.
Come away.
Yet still our cramping digits
clench the rope, so encrusted
with salty knots,
for life here is uncertain…
but if we let go,
we may become nothing more
than a stream of pearly bubbles,
rising
from the castles,
so far below.
Choose, for we know
you will come.
We wait.
Author notes
username: Catauthor
wordcount: 320
prompt: 'Anchor!'we cry
but no anchor
can save us from our souls.
--Tam Lin
To be honest, this is probably my least-favorite poem that I've entered so far...I mean, I like it well enough, but I feel like I've done better. Anyway, maybe you'll enjoy it. I've been experimenting with metaphor again, and I'd appreciate feedback on that...
Hope you like it, and a big, gigantic THANK YOU to the three judges!!
**Edit--changed the title. Better, or just plain weird?
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round 5 [Top 10] by Tangled Angle.
550 points, ended February 26, 2008, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
I'm not sure about some of the line breaks in the first two stanzas, it makes it seem a little choppy. I did however, love how you kept up the feel of the piece not only with your metaphors but your choice of language as a whole.
As for the title, I would choose one or the other. Either 'undulations' or 'calling the lost' works but with both it just seems like you couldn't choose and so left both.
The other thing I wasn't entirely sure of was your repetition of the word "salt" (in various forms). I don't think it worked quite as well as you hoped it would.
But all around you kept your feel well and the format of the poem worked to your advantage
Thank you -
I like the title. I like most the phrasing.
It's a little lazy - if that makes sense.
But still - its got style and swell sense.
-
86.9
The lack of using punctuation to your advantage is what brought you down...You and Lucy Sky-Diamond have the same exact problem. This can be fixed so easily though, so don't worry...if you were. I think the lack of using periods...or semi-colons made this seem a bit rant-ish. You repeated ideas and words several times here and there. It's almost as if you didn't revise it...(and knowing you, I know you revised it) (I'm just saying that it comes across as that way)...unless the repetition was intentional; and if it was, then it wasn't as effective as you hoped it would be. Besides that, I loved the imagery and metaphors. Well done.
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Thanks, Tyler. Yeah, I revised it (of course
), but I sort of had to squeeze in both the actual writing and the revising between homework, studying, and dance this week. Usually I'll completely rewrite my first draft before entering, but yeah...I can see what you mean. If I don't survive this round, it'll be my own fault for not making enough time to revise!
And darn it, now I'm overcorrecting on my punctuation! I've had so many comments about using less of it, and fewer ellipses, and less-choppy line breaks, and now it's rant-ish. *sigh* Well, I'll work on finding a balance there.
Hey, if I rewrite this after the contest and let you know, will you read it again? (not score, just read it and let me know your thoughts?)
Thanks for the fun contests!
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