I Wouldn't Call This Poetry [Indirectly for the Former Bubby]

I thought about you for the first time in a while last night. I didn't know how to feel, though, so I didn't feel at all. I was talking to Jaymie, and somehow I saw things through a logical perspective. I realized that love isn't real, and I don't think it ever was. We were desperate to find something. And now I know that I had to cling to you if I wanted to live. I do owe you a lot, and I think you know this. There were many times that I would not have survived on my own. I didn't love myself enough. But you took care of me like I had never learned to do. I am thankful for that, and I hope you hold on to the fact that you saved someone's life for as long as you live. I never lied to you about that. I know I lied to you a lot, but I only lied to keep you safe. I lied to preserve what I thought we had and what I knew belonged to us. If you understand nothing else, please try to understand that. And you should know that I hurt you on purpose, yes, but I could not cheat on you. Not with Jaymie, not with anyone. Even if I had wanted to, I never could. I never understood why it mattered so much with you... because it never did, before or since. I don't care who I hurt, who I compromise, who I push over now. It's an amazing feeling, darling. And I don't hurt when I think about you or us now, which is a good thing I guess. I'm only worried that I'm becoming numb. Though, at this point, I think that I'm comnfortable with that. I'm okay with falling in and out of emotional and physical attachment with Jaymie. The affection is great and honetly that's what I need right now. And you don't go on AllPoetry anymore, which is about the most perfect thing that could ever have happened. I want to be able to post this. I need to make myself purge these thoughts. And I was thinking about calling Brandon back. He's a nice Army guy, someone you would absolutely hate. We had so much fun those nights, first making out then ending up getting the best vagina eating I've ever experienced and possibly the one of the best orgasms I've ever had. But I've decided that I don't want to put forth any effort, at all, in this relationship. I'm done with the effort because it died with you. I think that's a good place to put it to rest and become this self-centered bitch. And I've never been happier with myself, to tell you the truth. I really don't know if I've ever liked myself more than I'm in love with me right now. I'm a bitch, I get what I want, I give nothing to anyone in return, and I love it. Being a good person was completely overrated. You know that, too. That's why you became the way you have, a bitter, angsty, self-righteous prick. Maybe you've reverted back to a former you since we last spoke. And really, I wouldn't mind speaking to you again. But I know that the only thing I would do would be to either complicate your life or try to destroy it. I'm avoiding this at all costs, because, simply put, I don't want to hurt you an longer. I do, so much, but I don't. I hope you're miserable, but I've realized now that that wouldn't solve anything. And since I'm happy with me, I think it's okay for you to be happy with you.